A Beautiful Disaster
by sarah Cullen
Summary: Bella to her dismay finds out she is pregnant, however the world is against the new mum. She doesn’t know how Edward shall react and as for Jacob... Can Bella and her new child ever find peace in this world filled with mythical creatures?
1. Chapter 1 Finding out

**So this is my new story just read it if you don't like you don't like!! : p**

**These characters aren't mine however hard I whish **

Chapter 1; Finding out

I sat nervously on the toilet set, chewing relentlessly on my left thumb nail. My foot tapped evenly, the nervures got the best of me as I jumped up resorting to pacing to occupy my restless feet.

My eyes flicked to the pregnancy test that lay, not 2 meters away, on the ledge above the toilet. Panic was building up inside me as the 20 minutes waiting time shortened.

I pushed way the nagging voice inside my head that was endlessly throwing questions about motherhood at me. How could I be pregnant? I am only 18; I have my whole life ahead of me.

The images of my parent's disasters marriage flashed before my eyes, I didn't want me and Edward to end up like that.

My heart sank at the thought of Edward and how he would react to the news if I was pregnant. Of courses it was his, but according to Charlise and any other vampire alive they are unable to conceive.

What will he think of me? Will he disown me? Accuse me of cheating. This thought felt like a thousand knives stabbing at my heart, if he left again I don't think I could survive. I pushed the nightmare to the back of my mind not bearing to think about it.

I sat back on the toilet lid. Holding my head in my hands I tried to sort out my thoughts, when the egg timer I had been using to count the minutes; rang out.

My heat pumped furiously as I turned around to face the white stick. I drew a deep breath as I picked it up with shaking hands. This was the moment that could change my life, and I was dreading it.

As I brought it up to my face screen side down, I willed my self not to cry. I took another deep breath this time counting to 3.

On three I flipped the test around. Two pink lines, burnt in to the little white screen. A muffled sob escaped as the tears rolled down my checks. I couldn't believe it, was I really pregnant. The thought of me becoming a mother twisted more knots in my stomach, makeing me feel sick.

I ripped open another test unable to believe the fist one was real, I did this again and again until the many tests I had brought were finished. All had been positive.

I lent against the cold wall, slowly sliding down as the realisation of what was happening sank in. I was going to have a child.

Me, Isabella swan a girl whose parent's drove into her that responsible adults don't get pregnant at the age of 18 and Edward, a vampire; were going to be parents.

Tears welled up in my eyes, so many emotions tugged on my insides that I couldn't be sure why I was crying, happiness, guilt, anger.

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As I sat curled up in on the bathroom floor, I surprised myself by not hating the baby, Part of me felt already connected to the little human growing inside me.

However the other half was terrified, it was eating away at my insides until that was all I felt. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up in Edwards arms, like none of this had happened, it was all a nightmare.

New tears formed, rolling down my cheeks, how was I going to tell my parents, people at school, Edward. My stomach knotted even tighter, I felt physically sick at this thought.

My body begin to shake as I curled myself tighter in to a ball. I was actually thankful that Edward and his whole family had gone hunting, even though my whole body yearned to have him close to me now, to touch his marble skin.

I had convinced Edward to go even though he was determined to leave someone behind, preferably himself, to baby sit me. But I had to put my foot down; he needed to have some family time.

Also at that time the fear of me being pregnant was growing in my mind, it would have been easier to have a true confirmation if I was or wasn't pregnant before I faced everyone.

I had been four weeks late which was very unlike me. Edward and I had gone all the way a mouth and a half ago, a few days after graduation, and then many times after that. I let out another whimper at the thought of what this baby was going to do to mine and Edwards's relationship.

I knew deep down that I wanted this baby, I could never and would never get rid of the child even if Edward disowned me, my heart sank at this thought, and new tears welled up in my eyes as the feelings the last time he left hit me.

However I willed my self to hold in the tears as the time on the clock flicked to 9.00 pm. Charlie would be getting home soon and if my eyes were even redder and puffier he would begin to ask question and tonight I don't think I could handle them.

I heaved my self of the ground, sniffing back the tears. I ran the tap until it was ice cold then splashed my face trying to hide my tear stained checks.

I searched the bathroom for any remains of pregnancy tests. I marched down stairs the many tests screwed up in my hands; I opened the bin lid and throw them in.

With a little more force then necessary I pulled the bin bag out tying it up with several knots. I walked half heatedly to the door slipping on some pumps and stepped out in to the dark night.

I breathed in the evergreen sent, welcoming the clearing affect it had on me. On walking back I found my hand resting on my stomach.

I was slightly surprised by how right it felt. However a feeling of anguish and guilt tugged at my insides. I shrived as a light sprinkle of rain gently fell.

I looked up at the heavens that were opening above me wrapping my arms around my chest to try and keep warm. The weather was eerily reflecting my mood, giving me an uncomfortable feeling something bad was going to happen.

As the rain began to fall harder I hurried back to the houses. I shut the door and lent against in it, I whished deep down that Edward would feel the same as I did about becoming a parent, it felt right.

It's hard to explain the emotion and love I felt for the baby and Edward, I never thought I could love him anymore then I already did. But then he gave me this tiny life that I, both of us will have to nurture and protect.

My bubble of contentment was rudely burst at the sound of the phones shrill ring, filled the house. Panic rose once again and I felt sick, the thought of trying to hide my secret caused me to shake.

I couldn't lie to save my life and what happens if it was Edward, or Alice. My Heart stopped at the thought of Alice, she would know about my secret, about the baby.

I cursed at her gift hoping she will find it in her heat to keep this one thing a secret. My hands begin to shake as my mind flowed through disaster after disaster, I could see my secret being spilled across the floor visible for everyone to see, for everyone to hate me.

The knots in my stomach tightened as the phone rang for a fourth time. I contemplated just leaving it but I willed myself to answer I had to face the people I loved some day and ignoring the phone call will just make it harder in the long term.

I reluctantly walked ton the phone, taking a deep breath before I pulled the receiver to my ear. I braced myself for the Spanish inquisition or Edwards's angry snarling voice;

"Hello" I called quietly in to the recover after no sound had come from that end. My voice was timed and strained as the nervous got the best of me.

"Bella!" Charlie's cherry voice bellowed across the line. "I thought you were never going to answer" his Gruff voice was slurred making him slightly hard to understand. He was drunk.

"Sorry I was ….um…um … in the shower" I stumbled over my words as I tried to think of a good enough excuses. My heart pounded faster in my chest as I waited for his reply.

In the background I could hear I man I recognised as Bill, scream at the T.V. I let out a sigh of relief I new Charlie hadn't heard me, too distracted by the game.

"Oh alright Bells; I just wanted to tell you that I am at Billy's watching the game so I will be home late." on the other side of the line I could hear rising cheering and then screams of joy from Charlie, I held the receiver away from my ear, flinching at the sound.

"So go on and eat without me, sam will give me a lift back" Called Charlie obviously distracted by something on the T.V

"Ok dad, see you in the morning" I relied feebly

"Yeah ok night bells" the phone went dead a monotone buzz of the dialling tone rang through my head.

I sighed in relief and my heart beat slowly turned to normal. I had at least one night to come to terms with this sudden change in my life on my own.

I trudge slowly to the kitchen feeling drained, my stomach gurgled but I didn't feel like eating. However I knew that I was eating for two now, and need to keep my strength up for both of us.

I opened the fridge and looked over the thinning contents, I made a mental not to go shopping as soon as I could. The only salvageable thing was a tin of tomato soup; I pulled it out and closed the fridge door with my hip as I scramble together the necessary equipment.

I empted the contents in to small sauce pan and placed it on the hob, on a low heat.

I watched the blames flicker and dance, lost in thought. I tried to play the different conversations in my head of how I was going to break the news about the baby to Edward.

In a daze I scoped the part of the soup in to a bowl, leaving the rest on a light heat for Charlie.

Edwards's torn and hurt face played across my mind. What was I going to do if he didn't want this baby? Could I raise him or her on my own?

I felt physically sick at the thought; the orange soup made this feeling worse as I began to clam up at the thought.

I staged to the sink ran the tap until it was ice cold. I splashed cold water on to my face to try and clear my mind, all I could picture in my mind was an 18 year old girl alone with a child.

Charlie and Rennee won't be around forever and I don't even now were the hell Jacob was.

My heart spluttered at the thought of how Jacob would take the news. I new I shouldn't care what he thought but I loved him like a brother and it hurt me to seem him hurting.

I clenched my hands in to fist forcing myself not to cry, however once one tear had escaped the flood gates opened. I broke down sobbing in to my clenched fists, slowly falling to the floor.

I pushed my back to the counter door banging my head, I felt so guilty and angry at myself, why did always ended up hurting everyone around me.

Gradually I pulled my self up and walked to my room, changing in to some pyjamas.

They were my favourite midnight blue silk tank top and shorts. The feel of the silk on my skin reminded me of Edward's touch.

Whilst I was changing caught myself in the mirror. I didn't look any different; you would have never even known I was pregnant.

Some how I expected a large "I am pregnant" sign to appear over my head. I rolled the tank top just above my stomach, turning sides expecting to see some sort of bump, but there was nothing.

My white alabaster skin, laid flat, stretched over my pelvis bones. A wave of what I could only explain as motherly love, swept through me.

I placed a hand just below my stomach, guessing where the baby might be growing. I rubbed it backwards and forwards. Loved filled my heart for my unborn child. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I prayed that Edward would feel the same. I climbed in to bed and curled in to a tight ball, my left hand protectively placed over my abdomen.

I fell in to an uneasy dream filled with confusion and disappointment. I woke up groggy to the sound of car doors banging.

Charlie's voice bellowed a cheery good bye to Sam, I sighed loudly out of discomfort as I rolled on to my other side.

The front door closed with a clatter as he squeaked up the stairs occasionally stumbling. Every now and again a suppressed giggle echoed through the quite houses. I couldn't help but smile.

I waited until I could hear the groans of the springs and his gentle snoring before I rolled on to my front and once more fell in to an uneasy sleep.

**So what do you think!! I know some of you will be sighing in disappointment that it is another "Bella getting pregnant story" so I am sorry I have disappointed you **

**However you now know what you have to do !! REVIEW : p **

**Please as I want to know whether I should continue with this story. **

**Thank you for reading **


	2. Chapter 2 It was all my fault

Title – A Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 2; it is all my fault

I woke up bathed in sweat, chocking on the black smoke which was seeping in to my room.

My eyes shot open and instantly began to water, the thick mass of black cloud swirled around the room, obscuring everything from view.

I chocked once again, spluttering as my throat became dry and burned. Beads of sweat rolled down my checks as I ripped back the covers which were twisted around my dripping body.

I stumbled to the door, my head spinning, yanking it open.

The intense heat hit me and the roar of the flames from down stairs caused me to stumble backwards.

The orange and yellow hue illuminated the stairs and the landing. I choked once more, petrified, on the ever increasing black smoke.

My heart beat grew erratically as my mind stared to cloud over. Panic hit me causing the scream in my throat to be chocked back; I wanted to throw up us the toxic fumes swam around me.

Through the fog I realised I hadn't heard for Charlie, my heart sank as I shocked once more, causing me to gasp for breath.

The heat was making me sluggish and I couldn't take a breath as it tore at my chest each time I tried.

I fell against a wall as I clawed my way to Charlie's room, barley visible through the black smoke.

"Charlie" I crocked out wincing at the pain it caused. "Charlie" I screamed once again. Still no response.

Fear was over taking me as I struggled to draw in another breath. My eyes stung and my lungs burned.

The tears came tumbling down my checks as I stumbled towards Charlie's open door. I brought my hand up to my face trying to stop the black smoke entering my lungs, as every cough ripped at my throat coursing me to double up in pain.

My heart hammered in my chest as the roar of the flames grew louder.

I stretched out my hands and griped on to the door frame, my sweaty fingerers slipping. I hauled myself in to the room to find, Charlie fully clothed slumped across the bed.

"Charlie" I screamed my throat siring. No response.

"dad, wake up" I screamed once more as the tears rolled down my checks, I scrambled to the bed shaking him violently. My heart sank as I let out another horse chock.

I shook him wildly shouting his name, but no flutter of an eye lid. With shaking hands I pressed two fingers in to his sweaty neck.

My clammy hands searched frantically for his pulse. Nothing. My heart stopped as the tears streamed from my eyes

"no, no, no" I whispered, he couldn't be dead

"Charlie" I screamed in on last attempt to wake him.

A twinge in my stomach brought my whole world crashing around me, something which was more important, more precious then anything else, my Childs life.

My heart pounded at everything that was going on. I knew if I tried to help Charlie there was a likely chance we would all die, but if I didn't then he would certainly be consumed by the flames.

I couldn't breath, my mind swirled preventing me form thinking of what to do.

However much I wanted to curl up in a ball and be over come by the smell, I forced my brain to work, the only way for me to save Charlie was to get out of the house and call for help.

That split second I made that decision I was on auto pilot. I grabbed a t –shirt and pressed it against my moth and nose, taking one last glance at my dad.

"I am so sorry" I whispered before I stumbled out.

I ran to my room, tripping coursing a wide gash to slice my knee. The smell of blood didn't reach my nose and I ignored the pain, scrambling to my room.

I searched frantically for the little silver phone Edward had given to me.

I ripped out my draws and emptied the contents on my bed, with my free hand I shoved it around; searching for a glint of silver.

I spluttered once again as the black smoke increased at an alarming rate.

The overwhelming heat sapped my strength coursing my muscles to ache at every movement.

I knew it was getting worse down stairs as the house groaned under the strain of the burning flames.

Crashes of falling furniture and shattering glass could be heard above the roar of the flames, the panic grew inside of me as my whole body shock with fear. I yanked out another draw until I saw the little silver phone.

I forced myself not to cry as my body ached in protest. I prayed constantly that my baby and Charlie were ok as I stumbled to the stairs, clutching the t-shirt and phone with all the strength I had left.

I wiped the sweat from my brow with my forearm as the heat increased as I descended the stairs.

I couldn't have been prepared for what faced me. Flames consumed the front room and kitchen, my home.

Everything sagged in to deformed shapes due to the unbearable heat. The tall domineering flames flicked at my exposed flesh. My heart pondered unnaturally fast in my aching chest.

I stood rooted to the spot unable to move me feet out of fear, my mind froze all I could do was stand there and stare at the deadly flames.

The voice in the back of my mind that was screaming at me to move my legs broke through the fog which was engulfing me. I needed to get out.

My choking became worse, as I pressed the shirt closer to my mouth and nose. I searched frantically for a way out of this hell hole.

The front door was blocked by a wall of glowing flames which were dangerously close.

The book case next to me was instantly consumed with flames.

The roar was defining, but I still screamed as the flames leapt towards me.

My heart hammered against my chest as I turned in search for the back door, my only other escape.

A clear path to the back door which the flames had yet to consume was visible.

I stumbled towards it my vision obscured by the blackening smoke another. Another object crumbled under the heat, shattering behind me, causing another raspy scream to leave my lips.

I was so close to freedom but unconsciousness pressed against my head causing me to sway towards the egger flames.

I stretched out my hand and pushed down with all my might on to the handle, praying it was unlocked.

I could almost taste the clean cold air. As my flesh made contact with the handle, I screamed out in pain.

The burning steel scorched my hands, coursing the skin to blister. However I couldn't unwrap my fingers which were wondered tight around the handle, so I pushed harder on door waiting to hear the faint click above the roar of the flames.

To my relief the door swung upon lurching me forward in to the dewy night.

Clean cold air flooded my lungs causing me to choke as a breathed deeply. I scrambled further away from the house, the back garden illuminated by the flickering orange flames.

I uncurled my fingers which were locked around the silver phone.

All I could think of was Charlie surround by flames and me outside, safe.

I fell to the cold hard ground ignoring the protesting pain, my trembling fingers clumsily typed in 911. I cried out in pain as I tried to stretch out my burnt hand.

The shrill dialling tone rang as every second felt like a minute, my heart was thumping unevenly in my chest, tears streamed from my eyes as I couldn't breathe properly.

Guilt swept over me as I watched the flames climb closer to Charlie's room, how could have left him?

"hello" a concerned female voice filled the receiver

"fire" was all I could choke out, my mind screamed out the words I needed to say but my lips never moved.

My lungs ripped at every letter. I chocked once more as I tried to tell them my address.

The woman threw question at me but I was unable to understand or answer them.

I let the phone fall from my hand and land with a thud on the hard ground as I stared at my home being consumed by the fire, with my father still inside.

I turned numb inside as I saw the events unfold around me.

As soon as I had called the ambulance the sirens could be herd in the silence of the nights, the blue light racing to the scene.

The roar of the engines and the wail of the sirens were muffled to my ears.

I was slumped on the ground frozen, watching the flames dance and mock me as they consumed my house.

Soon the house was swarmed with police, fire brigades and concerned residents. I watched detached as two fire fighters pulled me from my crumpled position.

I could hear the peoples concerned whispers, as a blanket was wrapped around me. In a daze I was pulled away from the house.

I wanted to scream and protest, I wanted to stay to see my father being pulled from the wreckage, know whether he was dead or alive.

But the words couldn't find my lips and legs couldn't stop.

Blue lights and new faces swirled around me.

The house drifted away as the two fire fighters guided me to an opened ambulance.

A sudden wave of horror hit me, they didn't now about my father.

My mind raced even faster as the noises around me become sharper.

I turned my head to my house barley viable from were I was. The arms of the fire fighters were like cage, I felt claustrophobic.

I struggled feebly but there embrace only tightened as they lead me to the ambulance.

The numb feeling diapered and every thing was in focus the noises filled every inch of the small town of forks.

"Charlie" I screamed "he's still in there" I wept thrashing against the fire mans grip "let me go" they dragged me a little faster to the ambulance as I began to fight against his arm, the sound of water and crackling of flames were audible from distance.

The tears streamed down my face as I was hauled in to the stationed ambulance. I was faced with a tired woman, her curly hair scrapped back.

"Bella" she soothed taking me from the fire fighters and sitting me on the bed. They weren't listing to me and my father was still in the house.

"Bella, can you look at me" she placed her warm hands on to my checks and pulled my face to meet hers.

"Bella" she called again as for my eyes had tried to see my house. "we are doing all we can for Charlie, ok" at that my attention was fully focused on her, I wasn't worried about how much she know about me all I could think about was Charlie's safety.

I allowed the relief to wash over me to only feel instantly panicked

"my baby" I chocked out, my throat still roar, new tears fell from my eyes.

The doctor's gaze was instantly filled with concern once more

"Bella what to you mean, what re you saying" I suddenly felt woozy as I wobbled on the bed, this couldn't be happening to me; I wanted to wake up in Edwards arms.

"Bella, I need you to stay conscious" she shook me violently causing my eyes to shoot open.

I let out a whimper at the thought of Edward, I needed him and he was no where to be seen.

"Bella are you telling me you're pregnant" I tried so hard to focus on her voice but the doziness and the ringing in my ears distracted me.

I was being pulled under, but I forced myself to answer.

"yes" I chocked out, my eye lids dropping

"ok, Bella, I am going to give you something for the pain an then something to allow you to sleep."

I shook my head sleepily unable to find my words which would only come out slurred.

However much I wanted to sleep, I couldn't.

I needed to know if Charlie was ok and if the baby was still alive.

Guilt and sickness swept over me as the doctor jabbed a needle in to a little bottle and drew out the contents.

I was the reason that my father could be dying, I was the reason why my child could be dead. Through my own stupidity I put the people that I loved in danger, as I was the one who left the stove on. I was the one who deserved to die.

I fought no more. I couldn't, I didn't have any energy left and part of me wanted to give up.

The nurse walked up to me smiling sympathetically.

"ok Bella, I don't want you to worry, ok, all you have to do is rest. We will take you to the hospital and have you and the baby checked out" I sat hunched and nodded my head, my hands folded limply across my legs, palm side up.

I stared at my scolded hands as she continued to fill up needles.

"I started the fire" I whispered "it was all my fault." A silent tear ran down my check, I loathed my self.

I felt her warm hands wrap around my arm, however I whished they were cold and belonged to Edward. More tears fell and the numbness enveloped me.

I didn't notice the pin prick, but could feel the medicine take affect, a wave of uncomfortable sleepiness washed over me.

"Bella" the doctor sat next to me on the portable bed, "um" I mumbled back, still staring at my red raw, blistering hands.

"the drugs will take a few minutes to kick in, but is there anyone you like me to call" My heart jumped at the thought of his embrace, his voice, I wanted him here and now, to tell me everything was going to be ok.

"Edward" I crocked out mustering all the energy I could possibly have left "Edward Cullen" the drugs starting to take affect and I was being pulled under the surface "he's Carlisle's son" I rushed, the idea of sleeping which I wanted before had disappeared and know all I wanted was Edward "and Renée" I slurred rushing everything in.

"ok Bella I shall do that, you just sleep know" I didn't want to sleep I forced my eyes open as I was pushed on to my back easily even when I tried to protest, causing my body to scream in pain.

I felt the vibration and the loud purr of the engine starting.

I glimpsed at the house, which was barley visible. The black smoke billowed out as the flames consumed the whole house.

My heart pumped faster at the thought of Charlie still being in there.

The view was blocked by the closing ambulance door.

I felt my eyes grow heavy as the ambulance lurched forward racing towards the hospital I couldn't fight anymore, I let the drowsiness invade me as I tried too picture Edwards perfect face in the never-ending darkness.

**Sorry the upload wasn't allowing me to save the changes!! So don't get angry about the format!!**

**So what do you think? : p**

**REVIEW PLEASE **


	3. Chapter 3 death and uncried tears

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Here Is another chapter…. I hope you like

**I have included a few songs which I think will help to set the mood … plus I laws listening to these when I was writing this chapter **

**hide and seek by Imogen heap **

**Open your eyes by snow patrol **

**Breath me by sia **

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Chapter 3; death and un-cried tears

I woke up to the sound of a constant beeping. I lay there with my eyelids closed coming to terms with what had happened. Images of last night raced trough my mind.

My eyes fluttered opened hoping to see Charlie's crinkly face, smiling down at me at the end of the bed or Edward, ready to tell me that Charlie was safe. However when I was confronted by the white room, it was empty, only the steady deep filled the empty space in front of me. Tears welled up in my eyes, as the feeling of complete loneliness invaded me.

My breathing became more erratic as the confusion seeped in, why wasn't anyone here? Ideas bombarded me casing my heart to hammer in my chest and the once steady beep jump in unnatural patterns. I ripped of the oxygen mask which was suffocating me.

I needed to find Charlie, I needed answers, tell him I was sorry. My body protested, everything screamed out in pain as I scrambled out of the bed. I ripped away the IV tubes that hooked me to the machine, gasping in pain as I used my scolded hands.

My lungs felt clogged as I tried to draw a breath, trying not to cry in pain. I let out a choking involuntary cough to try and dislodge the black smoke. I was trembling either out of coldness or fright of what I might find once I started to look.

Sweat was clamming up my face as I my body sagged beneath the pain. I stumbled out of the door, using anything for support; I needed to find Charlie's room.

I staged up the hall not knowing which direction I was heading in, reading the different names which were placed on the door. Staring in to the windows of the many rooms witch lined the corridor.

It was eerily quite for a hospital, no patients shuffled past or busy doctors lost in their own worlds, this unnerved me, causing me to hesitate at every sound. I pushed my left shoulder to the wall using it to keep me upright. I could see the end of the illuminated corridor; I was losing hope in ever finding Charlie alive.

I shivered once more as my bare feet touched the cold floor. The overpowering smell of bleach made me feel sick as I passed another window, its blinds slightly opened, allowing me to pear in.

The room was white; blank no personality, no life. My eyes scanned the whole of the room taking it all in, however I never let my eyes linger on the deathly pale man, lying limply on the bed; tubes coming from every expanse of skin. I couldn't make myself look at him, as every time I did I pictured Charlie.

I caught my withered reflection in the thin sheet of glass. I was still wearing the scorched blue silk pyjamas I had put on the night before. My body felt out of sorts as it felt so long ago since I was getting ready for bed. I felt sick as I took in my pitiful reflection; my careless behaviour had caused this turmoil, I had caused it and now I was suffering the consequences.

My eyes caught the stare of his withered wife, who had been weeping at his bed side, clutching his hand for dear life. She looked half dead as well as my eyes locked with her drained defeated, watery gaze.

Would that be me next to Charlie's bed? Dreading the moment you would hear the last faint beep. Silent tears spilled from my eyes. I couldn't bear if I lost Charlie. I needed him, more then ever. I was 18 years old and pregnant and my boyfriend, fiancé is know where to be seen. I needed Charlie alive and well

I pressed my left hand to my abdomen backing away from the man and women, my eyes trying to make sense of the scene in front of me. I tore my eyes away as the faces began to become mine and Charlie's.

Guilt, sadness and hope overwhelmed me as I chocked back the tears. I backed further away needing to get away from the sense of death witch was suppressed in the air, suffocating me. It was every where.

The lifelessness of the corridors, the grey colour the walls were painted, the drained faces of the loved ones it surrounded me and I needed to get out before I screamed for some comfort in this nightmare.

As I backed further away I collided with the door my head smashing in to the sharp corner of the runner which held the name. I spun around the noise sounding uncomfortable in the deathly silence. I stared wide eyed as the door jolted open.

There stood a tormented man, dark rings under his eyes, his face grey. His withered lips fixed in a pained grimace. My heart pounded in my chest as my head swam. I needed to find Charlie to make sure he was still alive, that was the least I could do.

Before I knew what was happening, my feet had started to move. I ran as fast as I could, my pathetic frame crying out to stop. However I kept running, not knowing were I was going or how I was going to find him, all I could do was pray he was here alive

I ran blindly through blank corridor after another, desperately searching for Charlie's room I ran for what felt like minutes around the same corridors, seemingly trapped. My breathing was long and drawn out as I tried to gasp in air.

The corridors made it look like I was running in circles. All the doors held names which were to no interest to me. I was beginning to panic. What happens if he is not here? Only one answer repeatedly swam around my head. He was dead

News tears wracked my body, know longer able to rum I stumbled to a halt pressing my back to the wall for support. I slipped to the floor wallowing in self hated. I had killed my own father; I was the one who had left him in the house to his premature death.

"sweetie" a kind voice filled the solemn corridors, I strained my head up searching for the stranger, through my blurred eyes. The voice was unfamiliar but gave me some comfort. A small plump woman with a round rosy face was shuffling her way towards me.

"sweetie, are you ok, come her, ssshhh" she knelt down next to me embracing me, my sobs wracked my body, her mothering love only causing me to cry harder.

"lets get you back to bed, come on" I resisted I need to find Charlie.

"no" I cried between tears "I need to find my dad Charlie swan" her lips tightened torn between what she should do "please" I whisper. I tried to stifle the tears, using the back of my hand to wipe my tear stained face. A chocking cough broke through causing me to double over in pain. The black smoke didn't seem to be dislodged.

"I don't think that's a very good idea, darling" I tried to keep calm but my heart thumped erratically and my mind was spinning. My worst nightmare was slowly coming true.

"Why" I crocked out, the tears dampening my panic. "Please I really need to see him" my eyes pleaded with hers new tears prickling at the back of my eyes.

"fine, but you can only stay in their for a few minutes" she wrapped her warm arms around my shoulders and guided me along. I wasn't really paying any attention to were we were going. Instead I tried to mentally prepare myself, at least he was alive, I could draw some comfort from that.

"how is he" I asked my voice timid, I looked at her, her eyes diverted my gave a sad look taking over her chubby feature.

"I won't lie to you, he's not well. He has severe burns and smoke inhalation." I gulped, my body felt weak with guilt. We stopped at a door identical to all the others. However in the silver runner held in block capitals **CHARLIE SWAN **my eyes widened at the sight, my palms began to sweat casing them to sting. Every part of my body was telling me to run that I didn't want to look behind those doors. However I was paralyzed with fear. I was rooted to the spot, staring straight at his name.

the women dropped her embrace and pulled me to face her, her face was serious and it scared me "I am going to be brutally honest as you need to know, Charlie is in a really bad way, when you go in there is going to be lots of tubes and noises but don't be scared. Just talk to him, I'm sure he will be able hear you" I nodded my whole body began to tremble with fear

"he is in a very unstable position right know ok and there is a very high chance he wont pull through. But you needed to promise me to keep calm, can you do that for my sweetie" I nodded again fighting back the tears which were welling up in my eyes. He had to make it, he needs to pull through. I couldn't contemplate not having him around. Forks was my home, here with Charlie and Edward. Not with mum and Phil anymore.

"I shall be just over there if you need me ok" I followed her gave to a small desk in an alcove between to rooms a few meters down the corridor.

She took my hand squeezing it tightly, a sympathetic smile visible on her pink lips. "And sweetie" she paused I dragged my scared gaze to hers "I think it would be wise to say you goodbyes now" a sharp pain fluted through my chest, her words brining my world crashing down around me. She brought me in to another hug. I allowed my self to be comforted as I tried to pull my self together, I gathered my erratic thoughts breathing deep as I felt light headed.

She gave me one more sad smile before she shuffled away, glancing nervously behind her should, waiting for me to collapse. I didn't move until she had disappeared behind her desk.

The silent tears steamed down my face, as once again I felt utterly alone dreading what I would find. What would my last good bye consist of? My legs gave away from underneath me but I gripped the handle for support, the cool metal soothing my scolded hands.

I felt a surge of relief rush through me as held on to the handle. At least he was alive, I have the chance to tell him I am sorry even if he doesn't grant me forgiveness, at least I can say I tried.

I tried to peek in to the room through the window next to his door however the blinds were securely shut. I couldn't suppress the need to see him which willed me to open the door, I slowly pushed down the handle until I heard the faint click of the lock. My hands trembled as part of me was screaming at me to run away and never look back, that if I ran fast enough my life could go back to what it was before the fire. I slowly opened the door, breathing heavily even though every breath ripped at my lungs.

I hid behind the door, allowing it to open an inch. I peered around, deeding what I was going to find. The blue aging curtains on the opposite wall were pulled too only allowing a slither of sunlight to pour in. The golden rays highlighted the specks of dust that danced on the still air. A single white chair sat solemnly next to a pruned plant. A corner of a wall obscured the top of the bed; I didn't know whether I could face him, what had the nurse said? He had severe burning. What did that mean? Disfigured images raced through my mind.

I could hear the constant deep of his heart monitor and the breathing machine drag in and out. I breathed in deep, opening the door a little wider to allow my self to slip in. I didn't look at the bed as I turned my back to it, so I was facing the wood door. I silently closed the door; I was trying to drag out not looking at him for as long as possible. I rubbed my stomach for reinsurance. My baby needed to know his grandfather and Charlie needed to know the existence of his grandchild. If this was the last time I was going to see him then I wanted him to know the truth.

I tried to keep my mind focused on the good side, at least he was alive. But I couldn't rid the feeling that this wouldn't be around for much longer.

I knew I had dragged out the waiting for long enough. I drew a breath, closing my eyes as I tried not to winch at the pain it caused. I slowly spun around, My eyes drifted along the bottom of the bed to the top. There lay a poor excuse of my father, tubes and wires came out of every visible expense of skin. His once warm pink skin was scoured red, blistered disfiguring his handsome face. Gashes, black and burnt invaded his being. He was hardly recognisable.

A horrified suppressed scream left my lip, tears ran down my checks. I pressed my hand over my mouth willing myself not to throw up. Guilt seeped over me. That should have been me laying there not him. I was the one who had started the fire.

I stumbled to Charlie's side, my red sore eyes taking in his mauled appearance. I collapsed on to a chair next to his head; I gripped his hand sobbing in to it.

"I'm so sorry dad" I wept I felt completely powerless. I didn't want this to be my last goodbye. I needed him.

"Please forgive me" I looked up in to his sleeping face, once more suppressing the need to throw up, but I made my self look at him, take in every inch of his destroyed face.

Time felt as if it was running out I needed to tell him.

"Dad I love you so much" I tried to stifle the flowing tears "I need you dad, know more then ever" I pulled his hand to my lips and touched his knuckles lightly.

"Dad, I'm pregnant, I'm so scared, please stay with me, please." My sobs shook my body as I gripped on to his hand tighter "Please dad don't leave me, don't leave your grandchild"

As soon s the words left my lips the once constant beep began to rise rapidly. Panic and confusion washed over me. I rose in my seat my eyes searching the many machines which surrounded him.

"Dad" I screamed as the deeps grew more erratic. My eyes caught the heart monitor which was racing.

His body began to tremble and grow clammy. I dropped his hand petrified as his movements become more jerky and violent

"Dad, some one, help please" I screamed I stumbled back petrified unable to breathe, as his fit heightened, causing the bed to rattle.

As quick as it came he was limp, slumped across the bed. I covered my mouth realising the worse, I felt ill sick, my legs felt as if they were going to give away.

A long drawn out deep lasted only seconds before, silence. A flat red line ran across the screen.

My heart pounded in my chest as the silence rang in my ears.

"No" I screamed "I need help someone" a stumbled to the bed unable to take in what was happening. I could hear shouting and screaming but my mind wasn't registering what was going on. I was creaming his name, he had to wake up.

Nurse after nurse crashed in to the room ordering people about. I grabbed Charlie once more franticly trying to get him to wake him up.

"dad" I screamed as a nurse tore me away. A flood of people swarmed around him, blocking him from view. I was pulled out of the room. I resisted desperately trying to stay in the room, my eyes locked on his limp body. "wake up" I shouted as they sent an electric shock through his body, no response. "wake up please" I whispered before I was finally pulled outside in to the corridor.

The tears feel, as my chest burned. The nurse held my securely, comforting me, but I was detached from my body; I couldn't focuses on anything around me.

The noises around me became muffled. As I watched through the open door as they tried to revive Charlie's dead body. Seconds seemed to drag into minutes and minutes seemed to drag into hours as I watched horror struck. I was screaming in my mind for him to wake up for the heart monitor to jump back in to life.

However nothing. The nurse's faces seemed to become more distressed as the seconds ticked on by. The doctor turned to look at me. My heart sank, he couldn't be dead.

"no … no … no" I sobbed into the nurses embrace "he can't be dead" I screamed the tears cascading down my checks.

Charlie was dead gone forever.

**So what do you think?? I was slightly unsure – next chapter shall included Edwards point of view as you must be wondering were the hell is he : D **

**Thank you for all who have reviewed so far!! I hope this chapter was to your liking!! **


	4. Chapter 4 Can't cry

Chapter 4 Edwards's point of view –

**Ok I now this chapter has been long over due and I really wanted to write it and post it like the minute I got all the good the review you guys gave me for the first 3 chapter BUT and I had my GCSE's probably the 2****nd**** most important set of test I shall ever take!! **

**And OMG was it boring 2 months I have spent revising and doing exams!! But they are all over so my new project is finishing this story!!**

**Tank you and here is the long awaited chapter from Edwards's point of view!!**

**XXXXX **

Chapter 4 Edwards's point of view –

I sat contently in a little clearing in the trees we had just been hunting in, the ache in my throat dulled to a constant throb. Everyone was huddled in their parings. Charlie and Esme were wrapped in each others arms talking quietly about a book Carlisle had heard about.

I watched there small gestures, the caressing of her arm, gentle kiss on her fore head. I found that they expressed there love in a manner which is not as in your face as Rosalie's and Emmett's was, who were further to my left not doing much talking with there mouths.

I found that I used to envy their relationship more then my other siblings, probably because I saw them as a father and mother figure. I used to envy the way they could tell each other anything without the fear of being judged or just lie in each other's arms and not have to say anything at all.

However that was before Bella.

My thoughts were instantly wrapped in her and only her. I wondered what she would be doing right this minute, what she would be thinking; her beautiful expression.

Just the trigger of her name made me feel half of a whole person, as if some part of me was left with her.

I yearned to see her breath taking smile; the feel of her warm lips caressing mine, her sweet sent sending me in an intoxicating daze. I cursed Alice for dragging us half way across the world to feed, whilst we had suitable food on our doorstep. But she insisted until we were blue in the face and bombarded me with endless pleads that I had to say yes just to allow myself to think again.

I was even more reluctant to go at finding that it would take me at least a whole day to get back encase of an emergency. My icy heart dropped at the thought.

I closed my eyes tightly whishing that Bella could survive 3 days with out getting her self tangled up in a deadly mythical creature.

The different and disturbing situations in which she could fall in to bombarded my mind making me anxious to see her make sure she was safe.

All I wanted was to wrap my arms around my beautiful Bella, hear her ecstatic heartbeat and see her blush;

"Edward cool it, she's going to be fine, but I'm not if you don't relax, your giving me a headache" I was snapped back in to reality by my brother, Jasper joking voice.

"ha ha ha very funny, but I don't see the point of going all the way to Russia just to feed" everyone had drifted from there scattered couples to form a lose circle around some fallen trees at the edge of the clearing. Everyone's thoughts flittered through my mind; however I was practically interested in Alice's.

She had been acting strangely for days, avoiding me at all costs and when she had to be near me she would be translating something or rather in about 20 different languages.

I knew it had something to do with Bella, which infuriated me even more. I had tried to confront her one evening out of the blue and she couldn't help but slip up allowing me to see a snap shot of Bella in her bathroom.

I growled at her, out of anger as she once again sang 'I'm a Barbie girl in Chinese'.

But all she could do was giggle back. I shot her an angry glare as our conversation drifted from music to other clans anything to occupy the time until our flight at 10 am. We had a hotel room booked but we decided to sit for a while and enjoy the 'scenery'.

I homed in to Alice's mind once again waiting to catch her of guard. It could have been because of the excruciating distance between me and Bella but I seemed to be getting angrier and more anxious to find out what she had seen.

The songs going around Alice's mind, switched effortlessly once she had successfully translated in every known language.

I throw her an aggravated glare; at every pathetic meaningless word of Britney spears 'ops I did it again' song

I balled my fits harder, I felt like a ticking bomb, ready to snap at any moment. Her endless teasing mocked me as all she did to my menacing glare was giggle and shift a little closer to jasper.

Anger began to bubble over as she changed the song once more. the idea of her knowing something about Bella that I didn't was driving me insane and the only person who could calm me down was on the other side of the world in God knows what danger.

'_we're flying souring, there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach'_ at that I exploded, I could no longer suppress the erg to shake the information out of my sister.

"God damit tell me what you saw" I roared at her, leaping from my position and taking three long strides until I stood over her small frame pressed against jasper.

My roar echoed through the forest surrounding us. Silence fell over the area.

Every one stared at me a little taken aback from my sudden outburst. However Alice didn't bat an eyelid, instead she sat perky as ever, a huge grin plastered on her face.

I stood there staring at her waiting for a reply, my hands griped; my white marble skin contort over my knuckles. I breathed in heavily trying to control my pent up anger which was slowly taking over all rational thinking.

Slowly she raised her head to meet my eyes, slight amassment present. This caused me to squeeze my balled fists tighter, in order to prevent myself from ripping her to pieces.

"I'm not going to tell you" she chimed her voice completely at ease.

I lunged at her unable to control myself. I pushed her backwards out of jaspers grasp, who was quickly at her side ready to defend her.

Horrified gasps come from my other family members, who were dumfounded by my uncharacteristic outburst.

They jumped in to action as I crouched ready to pounce on Alice, jasper lowed his stance our snarls ripping through the forest. Alice picked her self up from the floor, slowly like a human would have if they had tripped. She brushed her self of and stood there looking slightly pissed of.

Emmett came to my side, tense, ready to grab me if I moved another inch.

Carlisle, slightly bemused and angry, stood between us ready to keep the peace.

"will some one please tell me what that was all about." He directed to me then inclined his head to Alice. I was still intently focused on Alice's thoughts. Ideas raced through my mind, outcomes of the snippets I had already seen. Why couldn't she tell me, what was so horribly wrong that she thought I couldn't know.

Alice was the first to speak, her voice happy and chirpy as if this happened everyday

"Edward is angry that I am not telling him of a vision I saw of Bella." Anger boiled up in my veins, her carefree attitude bemused me, if it wasn't a big deal the why didn't she just tell me?

"If it's about Bella I have the right to know." I roared at her, I was about to pounce on her, but Emmett's huge body collided with mine. Throwing me to the floor, I struggled against his embrace. Jasper stood up straight preventing Alice from getting to close, Esme gasped, horrified that her children were fighting.

"if I new something about jasper you would want to know right?" my voice dropping to more slightly level tone. I shot Emmett a look as his grip grew tighter. He looked at Carlisle who nodded before he realised me, I jumped up and instantly walked up to her.

Jasper growled and I sot him a warning look. I locked eyes with Alice, her loyalty was beginning to falter; she would have wanted to know if she was in my position. I searched her eyes pleading, I had to make sure that the image didn't end up fatal; I needed Bella like I once needed air.

"it's not my place to say" she whispered.

That did it I could no longer hold my restraint.

I leaped on to her causing her to skid across the opening, I snarled as she lashed out at me, but I kept her pinned to the floor.

I swiped catching her check, the noises of stone on stone echoed around us.

I was aware of Esme dry sobbing as me and Alice continue to rip at each other. As I extended my hand to rip her arm, Alice raised her legs kicking me in the chest, sending me across the clearing. I landed in a heap, instantly returning in to a crouch ready to let out all my anger on to Alice. I pounced however was grabbed halfway, jerking me backwards into Emmett's grasp.

"Let me go now!" I roared struggling against his vice like grip. A high pitched growl came from Alice as she lunged at me struggling in Emmett's arms. Her thoughts were murderous

_Have you ever heard of the saying don't shout the flipping messenger?? _

As she lunged jasper plucked her from the ground, she shot him a murderous look as we continued to struggle in our captives' grasp, both of us intent on killing each other.

We snarled at each other and to be honest we looked like wild animals. Everyone's thoughts ranged from anger to disgust. But I wasn't focusing on anyone else apart from Alice and this retched secret she was keeping from me.

"Stop it" Esme crocked, I new if she could cry she would. I knew I would have if I saw my children intent on ripping each other to shreds. However we didn't react I clawed at Emmett grabbing his hand and forcing it back. His grip loosened and I forced my way out lunging to Alice. My chest heaving

"Edward stop" Esme's voice became higher and stronger as my eyes turned pitch black. Jasper crouched in front of Alice who was now being restrained by Carlisle, Who was also trying to prevent jasper from getting involved.

Just as I was about to attack Esme's screams caught me of guard

"Bella's pregnant, that's the secret Alice has been keeping from you" she looked at me pleading that I should stop. However I did more then that. I was frozen; my mind couldn't process the words. I couldn't pin down what I was feeling, thinking. Alice thoughts were somehow audible in my jumbled thoughts

_It's true _

Bella's bathroom flew in to focus as I watched my precious Bella pace nervously in her tiny bathroom. The egg timers shrill ring made her jump as she stared at the white stick that lay across the counter. She bit her lip nervously as she edged slowly towards it; she slowly lifted it before collapsing to the floor in a flood of tears. If it had been any other time I would have wanted to stop the tears flowing but not this time, instead I was numb to everything. The white stick lay on the floor with two pink lines burning in to the little screen.

The clearing rushed back in to focus, however I was still in a daze unable to grasp anything that was happening around me. Everyone was silent confused at Esme's words, they hadn't been handed the proof.

"How did you know that" Alice exclaimed a puzzled look plastid on her face. Esme smiled knowingly, never taking her eyes of me even though mine were cast downwards unable to look at anyone.

"I have been pregnant before you know and I am a woman, the signs were all there you just needed to know what you were looking for" she replied simply.

I blocked my families' thoughts that bombarded me with pointless questions. How come I didn't notice; Bella had been acting a little of, but I just put towards pre-wedding jitters. But her being pregnant…. I chocked on the words unable to get any understanding from my thoughts.

We stood there in silence everyone taken aback by the news. Everyone seemed to be waiting for my reaction, but how could I show them one if I didn't know how I was feeling my self.

Emmett was the first to break the uncomfortable silence

"Shouldn't you be happy, Edward? You just found out your having a child" he exclaimed as if he thought everyone had heard something completely different.

I slowly turned to him confused at why he would think I would be happy. My fiancée, the woman I loved had been unfaithful as this baby was sure as hell not mime. I contemplated this, of course it was natural for her to want to have children it is human instinct and I had promised her I would let her go if she wanted more. I just hoped that she would have told me before she was unfaithful, the idea of another man touching her in a way in which I whished I could be the only one too made my skin crawl. I wanted to rip him apart, drink his blood; do what ever to get him out of Bella's life, my beautiful Bella

"How the hell did you come to the conclusion that I should be happy" I spat at him I was angry, more then angry furious I loved Bella and I thought she did love me maybe her idea of love and lust had changed. I New I wasn't angry at her, how could I be, I was just angry at everything else, was this world intent of ruining my happiness, didn't I deserve to be happy.

"you seriously can't be doubting Bella" Alice questioned, her thoughts screaming at me to realise that this baby was mine.

"What am I supposed to think? I am a vampire, I can't have children and I have just found out that my fiancé, soon to be wife is PREGNANT!" I snarled at her. I wanted to cry scream punch someone, but most of all I wanted to see Bella find out first hand the truth.

"how dare you accuse her of cheating on you, she loves you, she loves you so much, she's willing to give up her whole life to be with you" Alice scolded me

"I don' know what to think" I roared frustrated that I was trapped in Russia, I paced furious until I reached a tree. I rammed my fist in to it causing it to snap like a tooth pick. I rapidity slammed my fist in to the tree until it was no longer distinguishable. Once all the anger slipped away, I was left with the sudden feeling of hurt; hurt much more intent then when I left Bella, that stupid mistake which was intent on coming back and punishing me. I broke down dry sobbing in to my hands all I wanted for this to go away, the idea of Bella being unfaithful broke my heart, that I couldn't give her something which she ultimately wanted, something I wanted .

Esme rushed to my side holding me tight like I was an injured child.

"Edward she wouldn't do that to you," she soothed

"but there is no other explanation" I broke from her grasp the mother and child situation caused me to want to scream at the thought of the child Bella was going to have with a another man. I pictured her getting older playing with her children, the one thing I couldn't give her, the one thing I wanted secretly was granted by another man. I roared once more as I walked away from my family. I needed to be alone

"Where are you going?" Carlisle called after me.

"I don't know" I whispered back I felt like I was going to exploded I couldn't comprehend what to feel, think. "I will be back for the flight" was all I could respond with.

I was half way across the clearing ready to sprint once I reached the edge of the trees.

"This is absolutely ridiculous Edward, you're so quick to bloody jump to conclusions." Alice was furious her thought were screaming for me to listen. I froze in the middle and turned my head not having the energy to turn my body completely.

"I can't be the father" I whispered

"For crying out loud, when could of Bella gone and slept with someone else, huh?" putting Bella's unfaithfulness in to words caused me to flinch. I didn't know how to respond I just stood there my back to her.

"She has spent every wakening moment with either you or one of us. And don't you think I would have seen it and trust me I would have been the first to shout some sense in to that girl. Plus she would have smelt different, acted differently, plus jasper would have picked up on her guilt." She pleaded with me to understand, listing some answers to the billions of question which were packed in to my mind. I could hear Alice slowly approach me.

"And do you really think she could do that to you, lie to you" she came round to face me; I was unable to reach her gaze. I new Bella could never lie and if I believed that she loved me as much as I loved her, and I did, then how could she ever have cheated. She wasn't that type of girl, I trusted her completely.

This planted a seed of hope, maybe this child could be mine. Could the God in which Carlisle often preached about have granted me this miracle? However my hope was short lived;

"it's probably that mutts" Rosalie sneered. Images of Bella and Jacob kissing, going further bombarded my mind all, directed from Rosalie.

I snapped unable to take it, she was trying to wind me up her thoughts portrayed the deepest jealously spilling out from every pour on her body.

The fabricated images made my skin crawl; I closed my eyes trying to clear my mind searching once more for that seed of hope. But I couldn't shake away the wanting to rip that pup to shreds, limb from limb for ever touching my soon to be wife. The whole idea of Jacob being the father fit, answered all the Questions in which had given me hope and this was what hurt the most.

"Stop it" I spoke through clenched teeth; I couldn't keep seeing these made up images, mocking me with the obvious truth. I breathed heavily clenching my fist and keeping my jaw tense; Esme didn't need to see another fight between her adopted children.

"I'm right though aren't I, that slag just couldn't keep to one person, I knew she would cause this family pain then she's worth but did no one listen to me … no" she spat out her words, talking like Bella was something stuck to the bottom of the shoe, not the love of my existence or soon to be sister.

I couldn't understand the rationalisation, but all I knew was that Rosalie was going to take back every single word. I turned around instantly, my eyes still midnight black. I slowly crouched in to an attack position as she did the same; are eyes locked

"That is enough, there shall be no more fighting tonight" Carlisle demanded placing himself between us. However we didn't take any notice, Rosalie was gong to pay for what she said about Bella, as for all I know was that I was not going to condemn her until I heard the truth from Bella as that was last drop of hope I was clinging on to, all I had left and the one thing from stopping my dead heart from shattering in to a million pieces.

I let out a growl, Rosalie doing the same before we leapt at each other snapping and ripping as if we were enemies rather then brother and sister.

Esme's faint sobs broke once again, as jasper, Carlisle and Emmett stood around us waiting to intervene.

I kicked Rosalie of me as her hands gripped my forearm before leaping on too her and pinning her to the floor. She thrashed against my grip snapping at my hands, but never able to reach them.

I straddled her breathing deeply composing myself. The irrational and volatile anger was beginning to subside and was starting to be replaced by guilt and the hollow sense of betrayal.

I wasn't going to do any thing to Rosalie, at first I had seen red but now I didn't have it in me; all I wanted to do was be on my own and try to sort out what was going on. However I kept Rosalie pinned on the floor to let her know that if I wonted to kill her I could. However before I could have time to release her Emmett's large body sailed through the air colluding with me.

The noise rumbled through the forest floor, his thoughts screaming out at me

_If you ever lay a finger on my wife you wish you …._

Images of fire blurred my vision as I felt myself collide with the grass, I was no longer ion the opening but in one of Alice's visions. The fire flicked at me but I could never feel the heat, I heard a scream and sobs pierce through the roar of the climbing flames, from behind me. I spun around to find Bella standing at the top of the stairs petrified at the site. My heart lurched as I tried to reach her but it was as if I was detached, , I could feel the coarse grass underneath me. Panic hit me as Bella moved; the angry flames licking at her unprotected skin. I screamed her name to tell her not to move that I was hear. But my voice was lost in to nothingness. Bella's eyes frantically searched the invading flames but she couldn't see me or hear me however hard I willed my body to respond, screamed her name.

As quick as it came I was thrown back in to the opening, I heard Alice scream, I felt sick to my core, my eyes shot open. Our eyes meet I knew I had to get to forks as quick as possible, Bella's life depended on it.

**AAAAAHHHH another chapter – ok to make this clear this part of the story is happening during when the fire is happening – hence Alice's visions BUT due to the length of the journey chapter 3 happens. **

**OK if that doesn't make sense then tell me and I shall try to explain **

**Thank you SO much for all the reviews I have had so far **

**YOU ARE ALL WAY TO NICE **

**(oohh quick hint – if you review – on your area thing when you click on reviews you can see if a new chapter has been posted – I have found this very helpful)**

**thank you so much – and I apologise again for the lateness of this chapter **


	5. Chapter 5 denial to anger

Chapter 5

**The songs I have decided to put with this chapter are;**

**Natalie Merchant – my skin**

**Cannonball – Damien Rice**

**The Blower's daughter – Damien Rice **

**Farewell – Rosie Thomas **

**One republic – Mercy**

**The Script – before the worst**

**(just keep playing these songs over and over again) **

**I am not sure if they will go – this chapter just seemed wrong for me**

**Any way judge for your selves **

Previous chapter

Chapter 3

"no … no … no" I sobbed into the nurses embrace "he can't be dead" I screamed the tears cascading down my checks.

Charlie was dead gone forever.

Chapter 4

As quick as it came I was thrown back in to the opening, I heard Alice scream, I felt sick to my core, my eyes shot open. Our eyes meet I knew I had to get to forks as quick as possible, Bella's life depended on it.

**Ok to just catch you up when Alice had the vision of the fire Charlie had just come home from Billy's. However it took them day to get back home meaning in that time the fire had consumed the swan residence and Charlie had died. **

**A quick recap so enjoy **

Chapter 5 – denial to anger

I lay on the cold hospital bed my legs tucked up towards my stomach, my left hand placed protectively over my abdomen.

I lay there for what could have been minutes, hours, days. I did not move from my position, frozen in shock. The slow movement from my rising and falling chest was the only thing keeping me sane, helping me to block out the guilt ridden thoughts of the fire, Charlie, the baby.

I couldn't get my head around what had happened; it was as if it was a distance nightmare. The events were blurred, I couldn't tell what was real and what was fiction anymore.

My mind was blank, repressing the horrific day's events. I felt so alone.

All I wanted was for someone to hold me tight, hold me together. I was afraid if I broke down now, allowed my true feeling to come out, I wouldn't be able to piece myself back together.

I needed Edward. I felt sick at the thought; as if he came then I would have to touch in the baby that grew inside of me. The baby witch could be dead because of me. I needed him, I needed him to keep me together, and untimely this news could just send him away.

I could feel the panic rise up from my stomach attacking my chest. I drew in a deep breath blanking my mind and falling in to the rhythm of my breathing. Bottling it up was better then dealing with it.

I waited in a daze, willing the expected tears to fall, however none came. Instead a wave of guilt bore in to me. I was a murderer, I had started the fire, I had killed Charlie.

I felt too angry to cry, to guilt ridden to be depressed.

My side had turned numb, a dull throb of the muscles as they ached to be released. My breathing was low and drawn out, every movement caused me pain. I felt so angry with my self, angry that I couldn't cry but angry at the thought of crying. I forced the numb sensation which had paralyzed my side to invade my being, cut out all thoughts and feelings. I tried my hardest not to think about Edward or the baby but my panic seemed to seep through.

The weight of my babies' life was still in my hands. The nurse had explained to me why she hadn't taken me through to have a scan but my mind couldn't function, I was unable to make sense of her words as the world around me wasn't making any sense.

The scream I wanted to let out caught in my throat, why was I hear, why was this happening to me. I felt closed in, claustrophobic in the white room. The bleached walls scorched my dry eyes.

I felt so alone even though there were hundreds of people surrounding me. How many of them were losing someone, how many were bringing a new life in to this world.

The idea that the world around me was still moving, that people beyond these 4 walls were laughing, enjoying themselves frustrated me. I wanted to scream at them to stop; physically make the world stop rotating. With the days and nights still coming I would someday have to come to terms with what was happening.

Inside these four walls I could at least pretended that it was all a nightmare, a twisted figment of my imagination. The resentment I felt that I couldn't change what had happen, that I couldn't stop the guilt, burned my chest as I tried to suppress it.

My eyes ached drooping, however every-time I closed my eyes I could see my world fall around me over and over again. I would end up alone, no Edward, No Cullen's, no Charlie and no baby. The sharp pain that fluted in my chest felt raw. However much I tried to block the thoughts I couldn't. I was left to scrutinise all my mistakes, strip me of all my lies so all I was left with was a pitiful excuses for a friend, daughter and lover. I fought the sleepiness, scared of what my dreams might replay.

It had been 36 hours, 45 minutes and 9 seconds since I had last slept and the drowsiness constantly tried to pull me under.

My lids drooped until the daylight which was streaming in through the half opened curtains had disappeared. My body caved in on my self feeling the realise that came with sleep.

However before my mind could wonder in to unconscious the roar of the flames that were all too familiar, invaded my numb mind causing it to throb. I was once again thrown in too my house; the angry flames licking at me, edging ever closer.

Behind me I could hear the mangled cries of my father; screaming at me to come back; to help him from the invading flames. However hard I struggled I couldn't move.

The heat built up around me making the air thick, panic was rising in me as I struggled to move, it was if my feet had melted and dried to the first step of my burning home. Charlie's cries grew more panicked and laborious as I pictured the flames enveloping him.

I tried to scream out to him that I was here, I wasn't going to leave him like I had before, but my throat was dry, parched cracking each time I opened my mouth.

Another noise buried in the flames caused me to spin my torso. In the middle of the angry flames was a thick white blanket wrapped secularly around a small, beautiful child, no less then a few weeks old.

My heart lurched as the babies wails increased, uncomfortable at the proximity of the flames.

She was pale, ghostly white, even through the thick black smoke and the orange glow the clarity of her skin cut through. Another helpless cry whimpered from her rosy lips, tears streaked down her round cheeks, her small chubby arms waved frantically searching for something or someone.

Then her once scrunched up eyes flashed opened, I let out a chocked gasp.

The beautiful child held the most magnificent emerald eyes. My heart stuttered and this utter need to protect this child filled me as I struggled once more against what was keeping me trapped. This beautiful child was mine, our child which was growing inside of me.

Charlie's shriek caused me to flinch, my heart thumbed in my chest almost as if it was going to shatter through. I strained to hear another noise above the roar of flames which seemed to be closing in, growing hotter and taller. I strained trying to scream fearing the worst.

His shriek in response sent shudders down my spine. I wanted to scream his name to make sure he was still there fighting against the approaching flames; however my voice no longer worked. I was powerless.

The sweat dripped from my fore head and my heart beat grow erratic, I swivelled around searching for my baby. My eyes darted between the flames, so close I could feel them scorch my skin. I tried to call to her but I didn't have a name.

A chocked gurgle caused me to freeze as I stained in to the black smoke, I could once again see her, barley visible behind a wall of flames. Her cries grew more panicked as she wailed in agony. It broke my heart to see her in pain.

I prayed feverously that I could get her out some how. I didn't care if I had to endure pain. I would have taken it no questions asked. I just wanted to have her as far away as possible from this room, from the danger, in Edwards strong protective arms. I struggled clawing away from were I was frozen trying to reach my beautiful child. The flames pressed ever closer, making her hardly visible. Her cries become laboured, painful, excruciating.

I sat bolt upright panting gasping for breath, my eyes swivelled around the room, frantically searching for the unknown.

My mind felt fuzzy as I tried to rip of the bed covers off my clammy body, feeling trapped against the tangled cotton. My whole body shock. I was no longer in the burning house, but the white hospitable room.

I slowly slithered of the bed feeling utterly confused; I wanted to find out what had happed to Charlie and my baby, the whole scene felt so real but so distant. I couldn't tell if it was true or not.

I stood in the middle of the room unable to grasp at anything only focusing on slowing down my jagged breathing. My heart collapsed at the memory of the beautiful child who I yearned to hold.

My wide eyes darted around the room, not seeing what was in front of me. The real memories, the true story flooded back causing me to replay every last detail in crippling agony.

I pictured Charlie's disfigured body lying limp on the bed, it still didn't feel real. Not in the sense of the dream but in the sense of reality, I couldn't grasp my father being, gone.

My hand moved slowly to my stomach, carefully, unable to trust my own movements around my unborn child. My heart tugged and the feeling of over powering love caused me to whimper at the thought of my baby being dead. However much I wanted to shed the tears which felt stuck in my chest, my checks were still dry.

The tears I so desperately needed still didn't come. And I knew why. How could I cry when I couldn't believe that he was dead, that I had killed him. It didn't matter how many times I kept seeing his lifeless body I couldn't grasp it.

The raised voices and angry commotion echoed through the corridors. The voices were so familiar. My head snapped up and my heart thundered in my chest.

The silky velvet voice rang furiously through the dead corridors, his enraged words inaudible through the growls.

My body began to tremble as the voices grew closer; my muscles seemed tense, winding, coiling as If preparing to run away, or to launch in to my defence.

I could hear the careful words of Charlise and the annoyed echoes of a hassled nurse.

Could I face Edward? My heart beat more frantically in my chest unable to control the panic that was rising, cutting of my air supply.

I needed him; the images of my nightmare filled my mind, the agonised screams of my father integrating with Edwards angry snarls.

I whimpered at the raw pain which sliced my chest. I so wanted to escape my tortured mind, were everything seemed so warped.

I swallowed my throat scorched with the thick black smoke still dislodged in my lungs.

Was Edward angry at my irresponsibility which ended up killing Charlie, the pregnancy or at me for everything? What happened if he saw me for the murderer I was? Could I bear for him to see me like that, could I bear the way he would treat me, the look in his better scotch eyes. Questions after questions spun in my head drowning out any reasoning.

For the first time I felt scared of Edward. The feeling sat uncomfortably inside me. I loved him too much, I knew that he would never harm me, but the snarls and the hate filled words caused me to doubt him.

I stood up straight from my crippled position, ready to say anything and everything to get him to listen to me, believe me. He could hate me for killing Charlie, putting his child in danger but all I wanted was for him to acknowledge his child. Deep down it killed him he couldn't produce a family for me and for him. He would be a great father and I so desperately wanted him to have the chance.

The uncharacteristic thud of his footsteps edged closer down the hallway. My heart beat thumbed in my chest and my palms became clammy, the salty sweat stinging my scolded hands.

The door handle turned and it was wrenched open with unnecessary force. My breath caught in my throat as I took in his beauty. However I couldn't overlook the expression which caused my heart to lurch towards him but also recoil in fear.

The utter disappointment sliced at my chest, I felt like a two year old being scolded by her father, feeling utterly ashamed and wanting to run and seek comfort from her mother. However part of me wanted to be angry, stand up for myself, not take the blame lying down. But the side was over ruled, the truth was I had started the fire, I had killed Charlie and put his child in devastating danger. I couldn't meet his eyes as I clutched my hands to my chest trying to hide the visible trembling.

I felt dirty, unclean both on the outside an in.

The look of absolute disbelief caused me to flinch, did I really look that awful. His eyes scrutinised my body making me feel exposed and vulnerable. I wanted to grab a blanket and wrap it around me, the burnt flimsy pyjamas felt pathetic against my skin.

The anger in which he had stormed in to the room with had seeped away. Instead he looked almost in pain, torn between what he should do next. I stood their unable to say anything, not wanting to move encase I did the wrong thing. His amber coloured eyes softened as our eyes met. The familiar prickle of tears formed in the back of my eyes, but nothing fell.

His hand retreated from the door knob which he still hung on to, the indentation of his fingers visible.

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until my lungs began to panic forcing me to gasp for breath. The rasp caused him to straighten in shock, his face was blank an obvious argument was forming in his mind.

Alice face was the next I saw as she darted around Edward's statue still body. I pulled my eyes away from his to stare at the other Cullen's all looking intently at Edward waiting for him to make one wrong move.

My mind seemed detached from my thoughts. It was as if I was watching the scene in a movie. I knew what I could do, what I should do, but I couldn't make myself do it.

My body yearned to touch him, to seek the comfort I so desperately wanted. My arms stayed rooted to my side, my fingers digging in to my disfigured palms. The tension built in the room, until it came to unbearable. Edwards jaw flexed, showing he couldn't think of the right words to say, the right words to push me away with, like he had before.

I new it was inevitable I was just the clumsy human who was warm and funny to have around, the human who was more trouble then she was worth. The fire just provide to him how utterly unreliable I was.

I swallowed once more before opening my mouth, unaware of what I was going to say, I new I needed to make him start talking so he could deliver my nightmare.

"Edward" I chocked out hoarsely, my throat still burned. At my words his body and mind seemed to reconnect and a sudden spark of light flooded his body. Edward's once blank mask could no longer hold the look of utter betrayal and anger he was obviously hiding in side.

He took a step forward closing the gap between us. His family tensed around him, following his actions. The coiled muscles of the Cullen family coursed my muscles to contract, the sudden movement caused my muscles to twinge as they were used to numbness. Edward's darkening eyes caught the tiny movement of the tightening my muscles he looked suddenly taken back by the action, but it wasn't enough to take a step back. My heart pounded a little faster as fear raced through my body.

No one moved almost as if they were judging their own movements on my own not on Edwards anymore.

"Is it true" he's voice was restrained but a deadly whisper, his face fell in to a poker straight expression, his eyes locked on to my face analyzing my reaction. From the corner of my eye I saw his fist clench and unclench.

My face crumpled, a pang of mistrust caused me to take a step back.

I had guessed that he would say that, but it didn't take the edge of the words, did he really think so low of me.

My brain felt scrambled from the lack of sleep and the proximity of Edward. I tried to put of having to answer as long as possible, the visible anger which I could see rise in his eyes was scaring me. I felt so breakable and vulnerable especially if the new life inside me was still alive.

"I don't know what you are talking about"

My hand fluttered to my abdomen protectively. Seven pairs of eyes zoned in on my hand. I dropped my eyes to the floor my horse voice barley audible for human ears.

His breathing became strained as if he needed the steady intake of breath to calm him. The silence and tension built almost to breaking point. All I wanted was to run away, get as far away from this hell whole which was no longer my life.

I lifted my eyes slowly back to Edwards, petrified of his reaction.

His eyes were coal black and his jaw flexed with the tension

"You now dam well what I am talking about Bella" he spat out his furious words. My shoulders hunched as my body tried to retreat from his sharp words. I small disproving cough came from behind him but I was too petrified to look up. I scrunched my eyes even tighter praying that this would all go away.

"Is it true" his tone had been lowed not for the sake of me but the surrounding patients. "That you are with child"

The way he put it made it sound like a forsaken taboo, not his child.

The burning anger that he was denying the parentage of his own child flicked in my chest.

He stepped closer waiting for my answer, I instinctively moved backwards, stumbling. The tug in my chest caused a lump in my throat I didn't want to be retreating from him, scared what he would do, I wanted to walk in to his arms allow him to make it all better.

An ounce a hurt flicked across his face by my hasty retreat, before being replaced by the emotionless mask.

I nodded my head, the simple jester cased him to explode, he darted so quickly to other side of the room that if I had blinked I would have missed it. As quick as he came he was in my face his eyes a blaze with agonizing betrayal. His cold breath intoxicated me. I wanted to touch his face but I was too scared to move. My heart thudded in my chest.

"So who's is it then" his words dangerously calm.

The pain I was causing him cased the ache in my chest to widen; I no longer thought it would ever be aloud to repair.

I felt hollow inside at the thought that he would think I could do that to him. After everything that I told him, after everything I have done for him: he would think I would throw that all away for a dirty one night stand.

"Who's is it Bella? Mike's, Jacob's" he repeated. The words were like a slap across the face. The anger bubbled up inside me as he threw name after name at me like I had no inhabitations.

"How could you ever think I could betray you" I shot back at him, my voice horse but no fear could be detected. I didn't give him a chance to replay before I launched in to my defence. The anger which was bubbling over fuelled the fire.

"Firstly I don't and never will like Mike Newton, and for Jacob I haven't seen him in months, he ran off, he left." I screamed at him.

"Ok Bella if the baby is none of theirs then who's is it? As it is defiantly not mine." He raised both his hands stepping back as he dismissed my feeble attempts to try and convince him he was the father.

I wanted to scream and cry I wanted him to be able to read my mind.

"This child is yours, Edwards, yours and mine. I don't know how it happened but he or she is yours" my feeble pleas were strained and heavy with pain. He didn't believe me; the accusation held in his eyes couldn't be erased.

I closed my eyes knowing I was fighting a battle I couldn't win.

"Why can't you just believe me, what's stopping you. If we were in any other situation you would be ecstatic, I know this is what you want." I couldn't get my head around why he was acting so bitter, almost scared. He didn't respond; instead he bowed his head to the floor, so I could no longer see his pain. I was obviously telling the truth, I knew it and he knew it,

"This is a miracle," I chocked the tears clogged my throat however never reached the surface

"If Rosalie or Esme or even Alice found out they were pregnant, Emmet, Charlise and Jasper wouldn't act like this. Accusing their soul mates of doing the dirty on them, so why is it any different for me." I mistakenly glanced up at the rest of the Cullen's; the look of longing in their eyes caused me to regret what I said. This situation wasn't like theirs.

They were vampires and I was human. There bodies are no longer capable of creating or nurturing a life. But mine was. The tug of guilt caused me to divert my glance to Edward then quickly to the floor. The room lapsed in to silence. The stillness caused my head to ache, and the feeling in my arms and legs to disappear. I gripped on to the bed to steady myself as the invasion of sleep lapped over me.

I swallowed trying to clear my foggy mind. My body felt heavy and unbalanced. I breathed in deeply through my clogged chest to keep my body from collapsing. I looked up; Edward hadn't moved an inch, my eyes stayed locked on his waiting for him to say anything.

After what seemed an eternity he finally lifted his head, I couldn't take my eyes of him, he was so beautiful the pain he displayed only seemed to enhance that. I wanted to go up and comfort him make the pain and hurt I had caused to disappear. The intense stare of his golden eyes remained me so much of the little child I had seen consumed in the flames. The sudden memory of the nightmare caused me to shudder. Edward prepared himself to speck standing up to his full height.

"What about Charlie? What does he think about this, what does he think about you having this child" his name caused my head to shoot up and my eyes to crunch in to confusion.

My heart stopped and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I tried to gasp for air; my head spun in a dizzy mess as images both fiction and real bombarded me. The room shimmed in out of focus. The mangled screams, his blistered skin, thrashing movements as his heart began to fail him, the limp lifeless body I clung to.

My back fell against something hard and cold. The floor felt unconvincing underneath me, almost as if it was going to disappear any second. I could hear my name being called around me, frantic, flames flicked behind my glazed eyes.

Sobs wracked through my body and my throat burned. Why did he say that way did he have to hurt me like that. The guilt and self hatred I felt, hit me causing me to gasp for breath.

A pair of cold velvety hands grabbed my head pulling me out of the nightmare I was falling in to again. Edwards face was so close causing a sense of relief fall over me. He was the face I consistently searched for to pull me out. However I quickly couldn't look at it, the pain I felt was unreal, I felt like I was almost not feeling it I was so numb, displaced. And it was all Edwards fault. I felt almost betrayed that he had hurt me this why.

"How dare you" I screamed struggling away from his grasp. He instantly let go pulling away. I tried to scamper away from him to find a place I could breathe.

This could only have been a sick joke. Of course he new about Charlie he was a bloody mind reader for heaven sake plus Alice would have seen it. I couldn't grasp the reason why he would bring up the father I killed to try and destroy any reason why he can't be the father to his unborn child.

"How. Dare. You" my voice grew louder and more hysteric. The feelings I had pushed away for the last two days came flooding back. The Cullen's who had gathered around, jerked back as if I had hit them. I tried to stand up but my legs felt weak and shook with the pain that was killing me from the inside out.

The tears which were spilling out felt wrong as they diluted may parched eyes. Ignoring the protesting pain I pulled myself around the bed throwing myself against the wall fro support. The Cullen's looked terrified by the way I reacted. I was drowning in overwhelming emotions which poured out, in unstoppable amounts, no longer wanting to be pushed back inside. I could see Edward looking petrified, as he stood there unable to help or to understand.

However much I wanted to hate him I couldn't. The need to be held screamed out from every cell as the tears spilled over and I trembled in physical pain. However I didn't want him to see me like this, it was hurting him. I had already hurt so many people. But there was an underlying tinge to why I couldn't stand him watching me, I felt angry at him, angrier then I had ever been.

"Bella, honey what's wrong." Esme's strained voice hovered over me but I couldn't react to her pleas. The cries wracked through my body causing me to hunch in pain. The tears still didn't feel right almost forced and painful beyond imagination. I had so wanted to feel a sense of relief that I could finally be able to grieve for my father. Instead I felt sick in the pit of my stomach. The tears burnt my eyes and throat almost as if they were punishing me for being so selfish, for grieving the father I had killed. I couldn't go back to the numb state which I could hide in.

Crying over my father's death made it final. It stated the grieving process I wasn't ready for. I had to come to terms that he was never going to come back. I didn't respond to my name the family I loved shouted at me. All I new was that I had to get Edward as far way from me he could so he couldn't see me like this vulnerable, weak, the murder I am.

"Why?, why did you have to say that" I sobbed pulling myself in front of a dazed Edward. My eyes were sore and the tremors made it hard to breath.

"Bella I don' know what I have done, please tell me. Have you had an argument with Charlie do you want me to get him." He took a step closer to me. We were only inches apart. I couldn't take it any more. The stabbing pain which infiltrated my heart made me gasp for breath. I wish it could be that easy. That Edward could go and bringing him back so I can tell him how sorry I am.

"He's dead you can't bring him back" I screamed at him, the words feeling foreign to me. An intake of breath silenced the room I muffled scream came from Alice. The look of horror filled Edward's face. He hadn't known. The stab of guilt came ten fold causing me to shaudder. The rage which had filled me vanished leaving me feeling hollow. The sickness of guilt sat uncomfortably in my stomach.

"I killed him Edward, I left him in the houses to die" I whimpered he had to know what a horrible person I was. Some part of me also hoped that if Edward new what haunted me he would be able to make it all disappear. My watery gaze fixed on to his bewildered golden eyes.

"I wasn't strong enough to pull him out, and then in the hospital" the tears built up in my eyes casing a lump to rise in my throat. I stammered swallowing to try and dislodge the images which bombarded me.

"The nurse told me that I should say my goodbyes… o god Edward he looked horrific, and it was all my fault" the tears run down my checks as I waited for a reaction, but all he did was stand there and stare down at me. I clung desperately to the little comfort I had, that Edward was in this room as the tragic scene played in my head.

"I told him, I told him about the baby, our baby. He had to know. But then, then ..." I could no longer continue. The guilt and grief ripped at my chest causing me to choke on the tears.

I took a step closer wanting to feel the heat of his touch the comfort of his stone arms. However his arms stayed rigid by his side. I almost ran to him no longer unable to stand alone. I needed him to hold all of me in. My head smashed against his chest, tears staining his shirt. My hands griped at the material that coarse material trying to displace any space between us.

But no arms came to wrap them selves around me. The feeling of his cold body seeped on to my skin. No joy came with the familiar sent. Rejected by his lack of reaction I pulled back hurt. The gaping hole ever more evident. The tears caught in my throat. His face was blank. I stared up at him bewildered, the shudders building up to the climax. But he diverted his gave from mine. I felt dirty, he could no longer face me after what I had done to Charlie. My arms wrapped around my self as for the first time I felt cold, isolated.

He opened his mouth as If to speak, but no words came out, his eyes flicked to mine holding them for a second.

"I'm sorry" he whispered and then he turned and walked towards the door, pushing past his family. I stood there frozen. My scrambled brain refused to take any more in. my heart seemed to almost stop beating. I stared at the spot he had just retreated from.

My mouth fell open a little too late. My world seemed as if it had stopped moving no longer existing. Thousands of questions screamed at me to be answers. But I couldn't think of them, the question just floated.

"O' Bella" the words sounded muffled almost as if I was hearing them from another side of a tunnel. I turned my head in the direction of the Cullen's, Esme stepping forward, her arms opened to embrace. I couldn't take there sympathetic faces. However much I wanted to feel the comfort of some one else I didn't deserve to take it. My fears had come true, Edward didn't believe me. In his eyes I had killed my own father in a selfish act and had betrayed him.

"Can you please leave" my voice was just a horse whisper

"Bella I don't…" Charlise began. At that moment I couldn't handle it any more. All I wanted to do was be alone, cut myself off from everyone before I hurt them anymore then I could

"Just go" I screamed tears rolling down my checks

"I don't want you hear anymore, go and comfort Edward he's your son" his name caused my pleas to waver. I screamed at them until my voice was horse, I couldn't trust my self to move. I could no longer look at their hurt and sympathetic expressions.

"Bella please let me explain Edward…" Esme begged

"Go away "I hunched crippled by the pain "…tell Edward that there might not be a fucking baby anyways I probably killed her as well" the tears dampened my screams.

"Bella"

"go away" I screamed the tears spilling over. The pain crushed my chest. It felt so much worse then the first time he had left me. I closed my eyes hoping it would block out what was happening around me. There was a silent click of the door and the room was empty. I had finally cut myself of from everyone who loved me and I cared for. Why didn't I feel relived? The tears wracked my body; they felt as if they were never going to stop. Emotions which I couldn't explain bubbled up inside me causing retch.

I hated my self, the destruction I had caused went on forever', I hurled myself over to the flowers, which felt to bright in the damp dark hole of my life. The glass shattered against the wall sending shards flying.

What ever my fingers touched I ruined, mangled and destroyed.

Just like I had done my life.

**Hello sorry this chapter is extremely late I just couldn't get it right. I am still unsure about the whole thing so if it doesn't make any sense tell me and I shall explain it. **

**Thank you for being so patient **

**IMPORTANT: on my homepage I have some outlines for some other stories I have come up with. I will be very happy if you would vote for the one you like the sound of so I can start developing!! I just can't decide!!**

**Thank you **

**Sarah Cullen xxxx**

Disaster


	6. Chapter 6 Fear

Chapter 6; fear

Chapter 6; fear

**So here it is – awaited chapter 7 – I just wanted to say thank you to all the people have reviewed I really appreciate it **

**These are all the songs that I listened too when writing this chapter!!!**

Playlist;

Farwell by Rosie Thomas

Need you here by Jude

Non-believer by la Rocca

Mercy by one republic

Make this go on forever by snow patrol

Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

10,000 stones by Adrianna

Run by snow patrol

Sympathy by the Goo Goo Dolls

Tears trickled down my checks as I lay on the upturn bed staring at the destruction I had caused. My eyes were red raw and swollen in a permanent half opened position.

My throat burned uncomfortably from where I had chocked on the endless tears. I could feel myself slip in to the darkness of the welcomed numbness. I drifted in to what could only have been described as another life time.

My heart beat seemed to be forcing it self to keep going, every thump shook my body with pain. Edward had gone again, the Cullen's had left and Charlie was dead. The tears welled up in my eyes again and a whimper caught in my throat. I heaved myself from my side and rolled on to my back the tears falling, I sobbed once again from the sheer amount of pain I felt. The gapping hole tore in my chest as I trembled. My life seemed to be spinning out of control; out of the realm of reality.

Three days ago I wouldn't have thought this possible; I wouldn't have dreamt it up in my darkest nightmares.

He had told me he loved me that he would never leave again.

I was so angry, the feeling travelled on to my finger tips causing me to grip on to the knotted cotton sheets. The emotion was lost in the flood of pain, pain I couldn't comprehend.

The tears scorched the back of throat and my eyes burnt; I hated the way the tears felt on my skin. I wanted to stop the crying to try to build my self back up from this crumpled mess he had left me in.

He had never loved me; all the words he had said to me, caressed me with were lies. If he had loved me the way I did him, he wouldn't have abandoned me, left me to fall ever deeper in to the pits of hell. He could have never have walked away from the child I bore.

The sharp tug in my heart which filled my body with the yearning and desire for this child was to instinctive to ignore. Fresh tears welled in my eyes and a cry escaped my lips. All I wanted was to know if my child was alive or dead. My body arched in pain, I tried to twist to relive the stab in my chest but it invaded every cell.

The door clicked opened and a gasp came from the other side. I rolled my head to the side to see who had entered the trashed room. My heart thudded at the thought that it could be Edward. I yearned to see him however angry I was.

I had so many unanswered questions. Through my water logged eyes I could instantly tell it was not the face I wanted.

A cry once again escaped my lips.

"oh darling what happened." I levered my self upright and clung to my chest in desperate hopes to hold myself together. The kind voice cut through the cold room. I couldn't help myself; I threw my self towards the woman. I clung to her needing someone to touch my skin to hear their heart beat. And what felt like a life time, I cried again.

"you can't understand what he is feeling, what's going through his mind sweetie" the plump nurse soothed rubbing a soft hand up and down my arm. I sat on the bed, my knees tucked up towards my chin. I had told her everything within reason, once I started I couldn't stop, it was as if I was trying to some how unload my memories on to someone else.

She justified Edward at first, saying he was scared, becoming a parent was a huge thing.

I wanted to scream at her and justify how I felt. Wasn't I scared?, petrified of bringing a new life in to the world. But there was no reason to abandon me. But I didn't, instead I bit my tongue the occasional tear slipping down my check at thought about Edward.

"you just have to understand the situation he was thrown into." She paused trying to find the right words "He almost lost you and then he finds out that he had almost lost his unborn child as well" I sat there staring at a distant spot on the wall however angry I was at him she made sense. He probably blamed himself for the pain I was in, for Charlie's death. I swallowed a lump building up in my throat.

He did care, he just cared too much. I had an itching desire to go find him to go and tell him that it is ok to be scared, that I don't blame him for Charlie's death. I blamed myself.

"You are booked in for an ultra-scan in an hour so I shall come and fetch you when it's set up." she concluded slipping me a warm comforting smile. But I couldn't respond I was ice cold, I could feel the blood drain from my limbs making them feel like lead. Why wasn't I allowed to hope, to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I wanted to scream for it to just stop.

I couldn't uncurl my legs I couldn't think. I didn't want to go through this on my own, what if it was bad news…. What happens if I have killed my own child? The tears blurred my vision but I was determined not shed one more. I needed to be strong.

I could hear the gentle pitter patter of feet that walked up and down the corridor and the gentle ticking of the chrome clock that hung on the wall. I just lay on my back my hand slowly caressing my. I tried to picture what I would be doing know if the fire never happened.

Charlie was still in the living room beer in hand watching the game. Would Edward have reacted the same way about the news? Was it just the whole situation which caused him to doubt me, to run away?

The pondering caused the time to pass quickly and soon enough there was a light tap on the door. My heart stopped and my breathing cessed to exist. A thinner more sunken nurse popped around the corner giving me a tired grin. "Miss swan, Doctor Clement is ready to see you" my arms and legs reacted with out control, my brain was screaming at me not to move to stay on the bed, not knowing was better the knowing. Right?

But I slowly shuffled to the door were she placed a skinny arm over my shoulders and guided me down the white corridors. I tried to keep my eyes on the floor finding a random route in the speckled floor.

But I couldn't stop my self from glancing up as we passed it, the memory burned in my mind. The door, exactly the same as all the others, seemed to stand out, mock me with the memory.

The name was different, a Mrs Dowell, now occupied the room. I forced my eyes from the window not trusting my self with the flood of memories that caused me to hunch over in pain. Golden rays flitted on to the speckled lino, which glinted like a million shattered diamonds. The light came form the open window of the room. The dust danced in the air, I could no longer keep from looking up.

I stared into the room, I expected to see an image of Charlie mangled or a grey man lying in the dark, waiting for death to over take no one at his side.

But I didn't see any of that, instead I saw a beautiful lady, her white hair twisted elegantly in a bun. Her skin was tainted pink and her skin glowed from the incoming rays penetrating through her drawn window.

Her head fell back as she chuckled, her laugh flittering through the deserted halls. Her hands stretched out and her fingers opened waiting to take hold of something precious. A woman with auburn hair held a podgy child with a tuft of curly ginger hair in the awaiting hands of the old woman. The little girl broke out in a toothy grin and clapped hands.

My heart took an unexpected leap. This room, once filled with death and heart ache was filled with joy and happiness. The little girl squealed and the mum laughed in unison.

My hand touched my stomach, and the lump rose in my throat. I felt a tug deep inside the feeling filled my chest making me fill whole. The skinny nurse tugged me from the room, for I had stopped transfixed. I shuffled forward my eyes wide – I didn't know why it had taken me back, why I couldn't keep my eyes of the image. It just did.

As I could no longer see the room my head dropped, maybe there can be miracles. I got pregnant didn't I – that was deemed impossible. Maybe my child could still be alive. My heart leapt out in my chest as I clung on to that one slither of hope. My fears seemed to become blurred as we entered a room, a bed and an odd looking machine already set up.

The nurse smiled informing me that the doctor would be a long in a minute. I nodded back unable to take any of it in. The whole thing felt like dream, I couldn't quite grasp people's features or my own feelings. I wrapped my arms around myself, making sure I was still here. The scorched silk flaked; the pieces spiralled to the floor as I held my self tighter. The room felt small, claustrophobic. I glanced at the machine trying to understand how it could tell me if my baby was dead or alive. Vile rose in my throat at how black and white the situation was. There were no grey areas. My legs seemed to sag under the weight; I moved timidly towards the bed, and heaved my self up, my hands burnt at the added pressure. I gasped, sitting in a tight ball. I lifted my hands to expect them. They were tightly wound in crisp white bandages, the ugly blistered skin hidden.

I pulled my legs tighter towards my chest and rested my chin on my knees. I sat there trying not to think about anything. I just waited. I glanced behind me whishing someone else could be in here with me, to hold my hand, to tell me everything was going to be fine. But no one was. I could picture all the Cullen's gathered around the small bed all anticipating seeing there niece or nephew on the small screen. But I forced them away, like I had done with everyone. I pictured Edward on the small chair next to the bed gripping my hand staring intensely at the screen. But he didn't believe this child was his, he couldn't be in the same room as me. I pictured Charlie at the end of the bed a nervous grin on his crinkled face; his hands wring the metal frame. But I killed him and he was never going to see his grand child.

All the images faded one after another until I was left with nothing, an empty room. I twisted my head back around and rested my head on my knees, not thinking and not feeling.

The handle clicked and the door opened to reveal a thin woman with long blonde hair pulled up in a pony tail. She smiled at me, closing the door. Staring at the paper she held in her hands she turned on the machine.

"Miss Swan, my name is Dr clement I shall be your doctor through out your pregnancy." Her voice was upbeat trying not to focus on what news she would have deliver me in a couple of minutes,

"Ok Isabella, am I able to call you that" she looked over at me; I nodded even though I despised that name, but I couldn't bring myself to speak.

"So we are going to check if the foetus hasn't suffered any damage." She gave me a small sympathetic smile as she pressed button after button. The way she had called my child a foetus, a bunch of cells that hadn't fully developed caused a pain to stab in my chest. It wasn't just nothing to me it was Edward's and mines child, a precious human being which was conceived through love. I would give my life up to protect her/him.

But I had already let my child down. And I would keep letting her/him down.

I am 17 year old girl all alone with no home no family and no money.

Would it be for the best if I have lost the child?

I wanted to scream at the thought. The overwhelming love and pain that pieced my body caused a tear to role down my check. I loved this child, and he/she would love me what ever and that is all we need. Dr clement seemed to be talking to me but I couldn't register what she was saying.

"If we could just find a heart beat then there is no reason to believe that you won't have perfectly healthy baby." She asked me to lie down and pull up my top. I felt exposed as the goose bumps freckled my stomach. I smoothed a hand over the slightly pronounced bump whispering my payer. The doctor rubbed her hands vigorously before drizzling cold, white gel over my abdomen. I grasped the plastic sheet as my heart pounded furiously in my chest.

She placed a something hard on my bump and began to move it around. There was a crackle and a pop as she continued to search.

The small screen was a grainy black. I couldn't tear my eyes way form it.

She searched and searched. Her face becoming more anguished as she looked intently up at the screen. My heart increasingly pounded faster and faster against my rib cage. The tears sprang from my eyes as the reality dawned on me. I closed my eyes, trying to force back the tears. I turned my head from the blank screen not wanting to see the emptiness.

The sound like a humming birds wings fluttered through the silent room. It was beautiful, so tiny but so powerful. My eyes flew opened and I turned back to the screen. The doctor's eyes seemed alight with joy.

"Congratulations Bella, you going to be a mother." The words brought tears to my eyes and the sudden release of the anguish that had been hanging over me could no longer be retained. The tears spilled from my eyes and I drew a breath. Dr clement looked on sympathetically Smiling as I smiled back. The sensation feeling odd.

"Would you like to see you child" I nodded and swivelled my whole torso around to the screen, anxious to see my child that I bore inside me.

"You can see the head here and the spine running down the back." She picked out all the features, His/hers hands and feet. The smile wouldn't disappear, I was overwhelmingly happy.

The doctor's face crumpled in to confusion as she moved closer to the screen, my face fell instantly and panic rose in my chest.

"Is there something wrong, is my baby all right" I blurted out, scrambling up on to my elbows trying to see what she was looking at so intently on the screen.

"Isabella this might come as a shock but you're expecting twins." My eyes widened, I had two babies.

I chocked on my words, unable to, make any sense. The tears dribbled from my face. Twins.

I fell back on to the bed trying to take everything in, and once again I couldn't. My heart seemed to flutter but at the same time feel as heavy as lead. I wanted to share this moment with someone other then a stranger.

"Well they both look healthy and I would say are around 9 weeks pregnant" I nodded my head doing the mental math. It all fit. Doctor clement was quite for a moment, I turned to her still unable to take any of it in.

"Isabella I know this is a very stressful time for you at the moment, having lost your father and all.." I abruptly turned my head to stare at the ceiling. I didn't want to bring this up; I couldn't deal with the pain anymore.

Am I not unable to enjoy one moment of happiness?

I quickly cut her of before she could ruin this moment any further.

"I'm fine, and if we are finished am I able to go" my face was pulled in to a blank expression.

"Of course Isabella, I shall come visit you with some details about appointments you will need to make. Once again congratulations." I instantly felt bad about my abrupt coldness I had thrown at her. I smiled apoplectically thanking her.

I wiped the gel from my stomach, being extra vigilant around my two children that I was nurturing. I held my abdomen protectively as I padded across the corridors. I was almost at my room when I passed the little info desk. I stopped torn if I should go and ask about Renée. I had asked if she could be contacted when they hurled me in to the ambulance, but I never new if they did.

I shuffled a little closer. The edge hit my chest as I peered over. A bubbly nurse with clear blue eyes tapped away on the key board. I stood their waiting to be noticed. My feet feeling numb from the cold floor.

I coughed once which instantly made her look up. I smiled as she tried to return it. I must have looked like a right state. The black smoke still tainted my pale skin.

"My name is Bella swan and I was wondering if my mother Renée Dwyer had been contacted." I reeled to her in a small voice. She tapped it quickly in to her computer.

"Yes she was, urm….., the same day you were emitted." She looked up and smiled. I nodded back.

"Would I be able to call her?" I was confused at why she wasn't hear already, when I had been attacked by James, I swallowed trying to dislodge the tears that prickled in my eyes; she had been on the first plane.

Did she hate me for killing Charlie? My heart fell like a lead weight.

"Of course" the woman pulled a phone towards her before tapping in the familiar phone number. She waited for a moment holding the phone a little way from her ear, making sure that it was connecting, before handing it to me. I took it nervously holding the receiver tight to my ear. The ring echoed through my crowded head.

I bit my lip nervously. Could I handle another rejection?

My hand began to tremble, part of me was ready to put the receiver back on the hook, hang up rather then get shot down again. But before I had the courage to unclench my fingers a voice filled my ears. It was heavy with tears, but so very familiar.

"Hello" the tears began to prickle in my eyes

"Mum" I muttered in to the phone

"Bella" she nearly shouted through the phone "oh god Bella you don't know how happy I am to hear your voice" I swallowed back the tears a feeling that I hadn't felt in a long time trickled down my spine.

"How are you, sweetie" she whimpered "how are you holding up"

"I'm fine" the words rolled effortless of my tongue. But it was huge lie that tangled in my chest. Of course I wasn't fine. I so desperately wanted to tell every emotion that was building up and taking over my chest, waiting to explode. But I didn't want to push away the little comfort I was getting. She still loved me even if I had killed my own father.

"Bella..." she stared disapprovingly she could hear the emotion colouring my tone.

"How are you holding up, mum" I interrupted throwing her own question back at her

"I'm getting there ... oh I wish I could be there for you right now sweetie but I can't get away with Phil and the planes were on strike or something ridicules.." she started to babble, tears evident in her voice.

"mum its ok I understand, I was just phoning to ask if I could come home for a while" I was taken back by what I had just said, but it made sense there was nothing keeping me here, no Charlie and I don't think Edward would be to happy with me living with him in the Cullen's house. Silence filled the receiver apart form the occasional sniffle.

"Ok sweetie I would love to have you back home, but what about Edward?" His mane felt like a dagger in the heart

"I just need to get way from forks, he understands." I said stiffly implying I didn't want to talk about it any more.

"Well I will set up the plane tickets. I don't want you to worry about anything… and that means everything including the funeral."

"Ok" I didn't want to here about the funeral, just the thought made it seem like the end, like I would have to come to terms and say goodbye and that just seemed to big at this moment in time.

"Bye mum love you, see you soon"

"You too sweetie love you bye" I hung up the phone, placed it back on the receiver smiled at the nurse and walked back to my room.

Once inside I lent against the door and breathed in heavenly. I was going to be a mother. A sad smile played on my lips. Wasn't this supposed to be a happy occasion?

The creation of new life, something I should be celebrating with someone other then myself. I opened my eyes and there on my bed lay a white pair of long pygmies, fluffy slippers and a thick white robe, I shivered and looked down at myself. The black smoke made me feel sick at the memory. I scooped up the white bundle and headed to the shower cubical that was located off my room.

There was a large mirror expanding across most of the wall. I avoided looking at myself quickly locking the door, stripping of. I untwined the white material that bound my hand, unable to look at the disfigured flesh I stepped into the scorching water.

And I scrubbed. I removed every inch of dirt, regret, sadness, loneliness from my body. My hands burnt and stung causing my salty tears to mix in with the falling water. My hands unable to take the pain any longer realised the soap, I would gasp at the little relief it gave me, but instantly picked it up and scrubbed harder. The pain keeping me connected to reality letting me know I was still living not caught in a warped nightmare. My skin was red raw as I stepped out feeling still unclean. I had scrubbed my hair with the soap smelling shampoo 5 times convinced the stale smell of smoke was still evident.

The steam coved the mirror. I wiped it away, revealing me.

I stared at my self, searching for any changes. My face was still pale with the pale blush, my eyes wide and brown, my hair trailed down my back. I didn't look how felt inside, broken, confused, in pain.

But I also didn't look like a mother.

I removed the towel that had securely wrapped around my fragile frame. Standing on my tip-e-toes I examined my profile.

A small bump indicated the area in which my children were growing inside of me.

A flutter of warmth filled my chest. I touched my belly delicately, my fingers dancing across the taught skin.

"Hello little ones" I whispered to the place in which my fingers gently pressed. A smile flittered across my lips; I glanced up at the mirror. Edward should have been here, he should have seen his children for the first time as well. The tears welled up but I violently wiped them away with the back of my hands.

I pulled on the white pyjamas, white slippers and fluffy robe. I tried to hold on to the warmth I got whenever I thought about my children.

The room had been cleaned and new paintings hung. I instantly felt cold at the memory. The pain seemed so unreal.

I banished the thought from my mind, I couldn't cope with that pain anymore, I would snap.

I lay on the bed and curled in to a tight ball. The curtains were tightly closed not allowing any sunlight to enter through. Time seemed to have diapered and even if I could know I didn't want to.

So I just lay there forcing myself to stay a wake petrified of what might await for me once they were closed.

I thought about my children and the possibilities, a boy and a girl, two boys or two girls. I couldn't decide, any combination would work as long as they were healthy.

As my mind dwindled the reality began to creep in destroying the happy moment I was trying to preserve. How would I be able to look after two newborns on my own?

A light knock on the door caused me to throw myself upright and turn my torso towards the door.

"Come in" I said a little warily, part of me couldn't help but whish It was Edward.

Dr Clement opened the door dressed in a dark, heavy coat and gloves, her car keys jangling in her hands. I smiled at her a little disappointed.

"I just wanted to check on mother and babies before I left"

"Were doing fine" I replied the happiest I had been in a long time

"I also wanted to give you this" she steeped in to the room and pulled something out of her pocket.

I heaved my self up on to the pillow, my sore hands protesting. She handed me the large square of card, I took it cautiously. Pulling it up towards my eyes. It was grainy black and white picture of my children from the ultra scan.

She pointed me to the two babies. A smile broke out across my face. Underneath the grainy photo was written **THE SWAN TWINS **in blue scrawl. The words played on my lips, but each time they sounded wrong, it should have said the Cullen twins. My face dropped a little and tears welled in my eyes. I instinctively went to hug Dr clement. She laughed at my sudden gesture

"It's ok" I laughed back giddy at the sight of my twins. As I pulled back I caught my hand and gasped. The shooting pain from my mangled hands caused me to clutch them to my chest.

Dr clement searched for the cause of my pain. She stretched her hand out cautiously to my chest. I scrunched my hands, my finger nails digging in to the open flesh. I didn't want her to see my weakness, to question why they had to become worse. She took my hand carefully trying not to hurt me any further, and uncurled them. The tears were no longer of happiness but of pain. The burns were blistered and bleeding from the constant scrubbing I had done to clean my self. She soothed gently examined it, soothing me with her voice.

"Bella you need to be careful or they won't heal properly" I nodded weakly unable to take the ain any longer, I just wanted the burning to stop.

"I'm going to get someone to bandage this up and then you need to get some sleep you're proving for tree people know." She smiled getting up from the bed and heading to the door.

"Thank you" I replied my voice wavering.

"Your welcome" she left leaving the door slightly ajar. I picked up the photo of he twins and looked at it; the tears dropped of my chin and fell on the card. I caught the corner of the robe and rubbed the patch where the salty tear had fallen. To prevent the image being ruined I propped it against the lamp on the small pine table next to the bed. Another knock on the door caused me to drag my eyes away from my beautiful babies. An old nurse shuffled in to the room her rubber shows squeaking against the lino flooring an unstable trolley filled with bandages followed her inside. I gave her a small smile before she got to work on my bloody hands. There was no conversation and I was grateful.

"I'm going to give you some low concentrated sedative as the nurses have been telling me you haven't been sleeping well honey." I nodded my head thankful to have the release, free from the nightmares that waited for me. I held out my arm, turning my head feeling faint at the sight of needle. She quickly injected me, and I could instantly feel the affects. I muttered a thank you before turning my head to see one last look at my twins, my eyes drifted closed and I was enveloped in darkness.

**What did you think????? – It shall get a bit more tense then hopefully lighten up **

**What did you think of the twins??? to predictable **


	7. Chapter 7 time to think it over

**OK here is the long awaited seventh chapter – I hope it is to your liking – I am really really unsure if it flows but oh well **

**I would just like to thank all the people who have so far reviewed I love hearing from everyone !!!! And I would like to say a huge thanks to ****Gomenasai's Desire****‏**** who helped me with this chapter!!!!!**

**Ok for this chapter the songs to listen to are (in this order)**

**Run by Leona Lewis (or the original by snow patrol)**

**Broken strings by James Morrison ft Nelly Furtado**

**So enjoy then tell me what you think – thank you!!!!!!!! **

Chapter 7 – time to think it over

The darkness seemed to lift from my eyelids as the grogginess of the drugs seeped from my body. My muscles aced from not moving for however long I was out for. A wide smile spread across my dry lips as I remembered my twins. I placed a hand on my belly and ran my fingers in tiny circles.

"Morning babies" I whispered, a light flush of embarrassment flittered across my skin.

I breathed in a sigh feeling better then I had in days. The heavy feeling in my heart seemed a little lighter but the hole in which I bore in my chest still gapped wide. I could feel the walls I had slowly begin to build back up wobble with the tears that invaded me. I missed Edward, I missed the Cullen's and I missed Charlie.

A lone tear escaped, rolling down my check, I rolled over in search for the picture of my little Cullen's needing that sweet reminder. However as I reached over to the picture I had propped against the lamp shade my searching couldn't find it. My eyes darted frantically across the floor.

How could I have lost my only picture of my children? The tears threatened to spill over, I couldn't even keep track of one picture.

All my initial fears of becoming a mother hit me like a ton of bricks. My breathing began to become laboured as I pounded in to myself how hopeless I would be at motherhood. I couldn't look after two helpless infants.

"argh" I screamed frustrated in to the darkness

"Bella" his voice caused me to shriek.

My heart flew out of my chest skipping a beat. My breathing came out in short sharp breaths. He emerged from the shadows, beautiful. I couldn't keep my eyes of him.

My whole body twisted around as I knelt on the bed holding my chest. His face was concerned; he stretched out his hands to steady me, but dropped it quickly. My breath was laboured as my heart hammed at the shock. I wobbled sliding on to the floor. I stood there staring at him unable to determine if he was real or a figment of my imagination.

I looked at him, taking every thing in as he did the same. I couldn't force anything out, scared that if I did he would disappear and I shall wake up alone.

The seconds seemed to tick by as our eyes stayed locked unwavering. My heart thumped against my chest, but not of shock. My finger tips tingled wanting to touch him, feel the coldness seep through.

He hesitated on the edge of saying something; I held my breath in anticipation. My emotions were frazzled; I couldn't understand what was up and what was down.

I wanted to scream at him, cry, love. The anger and hurt bubbled inside almost as much as the need to have and hold him. Our eyes burnt at the intensity and I couldn't handle the urge to have him way form me any longer.

Then we snapped.

He moved fluently as I nearly stumbled in to his arms.

His cold arms caught me and held me tight towards his stone cold body. My arms griped on to his neck, never wanting to let him go. The pain and longing in my chest tightened and my hands scorched as I wove them in to his bronze locks.

"I'm so sorry Bella" he cried in to my neck, his cold lips leaving a trail of kisses along my jaw line. The tears ran down my checks but they weren't what I wanted them for. The pain in which he inflicted hurt too much to ignore, the rejection, the loss. I fell limp in his arms.

"Bella what's wrong" he pulled back to see the whole of my face. I turned unable to have him look at me. He caught my chin and gently forced me to face him. Concern burnt in to his features.

"I can't do this Edward" I chocked out, his face fell as I pushed away from his embrace. The moment I did I felt incomplete. The emotions collided inside of me, I couldn't make sense out of any of it "you hurt me, you left when I needed you most, you left your children" I tried to hold his gave but he wouldn't' have it.

"Talk to me, tell me why" I begged. I had to understand.

"I hated myself for what I had done to you, to our children" he confessed, if the tears could fallen they would have. The look of vulnerability in his eyes caused me to coke up. But the pain forced me back.

"but I needed you, we needed you"

"don't you think I regret what I did every day"

"But you never came back, Edward you abandoned me, I had to go and find out if our children were still alive, alone" the end of the sentence cracked as the tears burnt the back of my throat.

"you came in here and accused me of cheating on you," I paused swallowing back the tears "I had just lost Charlie and all I wanted was to have you comfort me, tell me it was going to get better, but you didn't"

"Edward I want to know why, why did you, were you scared because I can tell you I was petrified"

"I nearly lost you that night, I nearly lost.."

He quickly dropped his eyes the hold to intense

"I'm sorry Bella I shouldn't have come, I'm sorry for waking you" his sincerity and pain burnt through with every word. His voice sent shivers down my spine, but they weren't the words I wanted to hear.

He stepped towards the bed, the glow of the light enveloping his whole body.

On the twisted white sheets he placed the ultra sound of our twins. My fore head crumpled in confusion I just couldn't get my head around it.

The anger bubbled over. I didn't get why he kept running away. Throwing himself at me then taking it back regretting his decision.

"Running away again" I spat. His head shoot up taken back by the harsh words that cut the suffocating silence. The tears blurred my vision as our gazes meet. Pain flitted across his face, he new what he done to me. My heart leapt out of my chest at the love that I held for him. But the anger was hard to remove as it took hold of everything I thought I loved about him.

"answer me Edward are you scared?" the tears muffling the anger that fought through me. His head dropped unable to take in my gaze any longer. He still hadn't answered my question

"if your scared I can understand, I can understand why you left" the tears slipped down my check."

"Bella I left, as once again you got hurt, and I let it happen" his voice was clear as ice, in three strides he was standing only inches from me. My skin tingled, my breath caught in my thought, the pain bubbled in my chest. I looked up his eyes were fierce with honesty, hatred with himself, love for me. I dropped my head the love and anger that I held for him conflicted inside every cell.

His cold breath blew on my hair causing me t0 shiver, his words only a whisper

"I promised my self that if I ever allowed you to get hurt like.." he paused remembering the bitter memories " like with James and Victoria I would leave I promised you I would stay as long as I was good for you Bella" a sob broke out of my chest.

"But look at what happened when you left last time, Edward, we both went crazy we can't physically be apart from each other," the hysteria building in my chest. I stepped away from the pull of his body. "and what about your" I paused correcting myself "our children"

I reached for the ultra scan that was placed on the white sheets. I pressed it in to his chest

"What will I tell them when they start asking for their dad, what will I say, that he was a chicken, who ran away as he couldn't cope" I stared in to his blackened gaze but he pulled his head up.

"I don't understand, do you not want children, now you have 2 children on the way it hasn't lived up to your expectations? What is it Edward why are you acting like this?" I pleaded

"Bella I want to put this all behind me I want to erase everything that has happened these past couple of days. I wish I could have been there for you for our children. Bella you have given me the one thing that I thought was physically impossible. And that's why I left I couldn't bare the thought of losing you, our children and it was all down to me, I left to go hunt, meaning I wasn't there to save you, to save Charlie, once again the thing that I am caused you so much pain" I couldn't tear my eyes from his face as the shudder ran down my spine at the bitter memories. His gaze was so intense I thought I was going to buckle, his eyes pleaded with me to finally understand.

"I hurt myself, it wasn't anything to do with you, I killed Charlie, I put our children in danger Edward, not you"

"but I needed you Edward; I needed you to pick up the pieces" I wrapped my arms around myself. Trying to hold all the pieces together. Charlie's face haunted me every time I closed my eyes, I could feel the heat of the flames on my bare skin. The sobs wracked my body.

"Bella I'm so sorry" his arms went to slip round my trembling frame but I couldn't bring myself to. I couldn't even if I wanted to let this go. My heart aced with the need for him, but the hurt he caused, pulled harder.

"Edward I can't" his hands dropped to his sides and his face fell blank, the tears streamed faster I didn't want him to feel my pain, for him to be in pain.

"you left me when I needed you, you disowned your children Edward, you accused me off sleeping with someone else, I can't just let this go, however much I love you … I can't."

"Bella if you could have seen yourself, you looked so broken, and it killed me to see you like that, I never felt so much hate for myself so much love for you. And I caused that, then when it hit me that I was a father the pain doubled, I had put the three most precise things to me in devastating danger" his voce was strained with the tears he couldn't shed. His hand lifted my chin to his and I looked in to his black eyes. I was drawn in floating deeper in to the pain in which we both held, the pain of loss and love.

"Then why didn't you stay" I whispered. Silence invaded the dark room. The question hang over us like a dark cloud unanswered as for me it didn't seem to have answer.

"Come home with me, please, I can't bare to be away from you any longer, please Bella, I love you" he picked my hands up and held them in his, I gasped as his ice cold skin came in contact with my raw skin. He let go of my hands as if they were on fire only to slowly pick them up ever so gently. I watched his expression as he painstakingly examined my hand, his long fingers hardly touching my skin.

"oh Bella" he breathed his eyes bore my pain. I couldn't handle the sympathy, I didn't want nor did I deserve it.

I wriggled my hand away from his and placed it by my side.

"Edward I'm not coming back with you"

I couldn't hold his gaze as the sadness invaded his black speckled eyes.

"I need to get away…." I trailed of not knowing how to finish. What did I want to get away from?. Him, the pain, the hurt.

"For how long" his voice was cold and solid his face a harden mask. My head jolted up by the bleakness in his voice. The sound in which I had heard so many times before, the bleak look in his eyes that indicated so much.

"Don't do that!" I nearly shouted at him "don't close up on me, Edward don't push me away" his eyes evaded mine. I wanted to shout and scream at him, knock some sense it his thick skull.

I grabbed his head to face mine ignoring the burning of my hands.

"I love you Edward, you are my other half my soul mate, I need you and want you, but I have to get away from this place." His eyes cracked and the emotion spilled out from every pore in his body. He grabbed me around the waist and pushed me to him. Are lips collided and all my fears seemed to slip away, I was lost in a world that I wanted to never let go. His cold lips travelled along mine in perfect harmony.

"I love you" he whispered in to my ear.

"I will be back Edward, you just have to be patient" he tore his lips from mine as the perfect moment faded gently in to the silence. The tears slid down my checks as he stood looking at me, a sad smile playing on his lips. His finger wiped them away, his coldness scorching my skin. He bent over to me leaving one last sweet kiss on my lips before he strode from the room.

I felt oddly hollow as I stood in the dark room watching after him. I knew I had to do this to go to my mothers to find who I am once again. As inside I felt lost.

The tears fell from my eyes as I committed to memory the last kiss. I brushed my fingers over my tingling lips still tasting his icy sent.

I wrapped my arms around my tiny frame, part of me petrified that I was going to fall apart.

**Thank you !!!! now PLEASE tell me what you thought!!**


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